Humanity Death Watch

Cosmos unaware anything has changed

The Cosmos is reasonably confident it could identify the general area where Earth is located.

Citing only a passing awareness of Planet Earth’s existence, the Cosmos confirmed on Wednesday it had no idea that anything on the planet had changed.

When asked to comment on the rise of the machines, the boiling of the seas and the existence of Neil deGrasse Tyson, the Cosmos was at something of a loss. “Oh boy. Earth. Is that the one with the methane? Or the giant lizards? This is embarrassing, but I just don’t keep up with that part of reality that much.”

The Cosmos was similarly unable to conjure an opinion on the conversion of the world’s grain supply to electricity or the obliteration of the ozone layer to improve the collection of solar power.

“I’m sure it’s really important to the locals,” said the amalgamation of all that was, is, and ever could be. “But I have a lot on my plate. I keep telling myself that one of these days I’ll buckle down and take the time to catch up. But you know how it is. There’s always something more pressing.”

When made aware of its position in the boundless universe, humanity agreed that it “explained quite a few things.”

After several minutes of contemplation, the Cosmos seemed confident that it could “probably pick out Earth’s general area on a map,” adding that “It’s the part with three dimensions, right?”

Photo credit: NASA Unveils Celestial Fireworks as Official Image for Hubble 25th Anniversary by NASA Goddard Space Flight Center, licensed under CC 2.0


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