Humanity Death Watch

Douchebag raised in captivity makes crude Bluetooth headset out of twigs

Bluetooth Jungle Boy2A 15-year secret experiment conducted by the U.S. military is sending shockwaves through the scientific community, challenging the long-held notion that douchebags are made, not born.

On Tuesday, Washington declassified reports that a young man raised in captivity at a military black site fashioned a crude facsimile of a Bluetooth headset using twigs collected from his enclosure. Still living in secret, he proudly wears the makeshift device in his left ear, chattering endlessly and loudly in a guttural language of his own invention.

Man with office phone attached to his head with a rubber band

Perhaps one day researchers will identify a douchebag gene. Until then, humanity must look for the warning signs.

The son of convicted Miami-area douchebags, Aaron “Boss Tuna” Palermo, a personal trainer and self-described entrepreneur, and “Sticky” Nikki Beudert, heiress to the Beudert Aquariums fortune, Subject H721-K was taken into government custody immediately following his birth at Mercy Hospital. From there he was airlifted to DERMO, a military base outside of Jacksonville rumored to be a hotbed of top-secret operations.

For the next decade and a half, his living quarters consisted of a single, 25-foot by 25-foot enclosure filled with plant life and the sounds of exotic birds, designed to simulate jungle conditions. Living under 24-hour-a-day surveillance, Subject H721-K was deprived of all human interaction and outside information.

Public alarmed by douchebag assaults on fashion, taste

Geneticist Terry Billingham and biologist Walter Umbria received a $500,000 government grant to carry out their study at the height of anti-douchebag paranoia, following attacks perpetrated by douchebags against fashion and taste in the early 2000s. The goal was to provide conclusive evidence in the long nature vs. nurture debate surrounding douchebaggery.

asshole

Modern-day douchebags, sometimes called “assholes,” are thriving in America.

“If our methods seem a bit medieval, you have to understand what kind of world we were living in at the time,” says Billingham. “Men roamed the streets in fedoras and fitted v-neck t-shirts, Creed soared to the top of the charts with hit single after hit single, and the state was frantically searching for ways to keep citizens safe.”

It’s unclear what the future holds for Subject H721-K. “At the risk of sounding sentimental, I always hoped we would be able to demonstrate that this kid posed no threat to national security,” said Umbria. “I even fantasized about reintegrating him into society. Unfortunately, our findings suggest that’s a bone-headed idea. Oh well, back to the drawing board, I guess.”

For now, the research into Subject H721-K will continue, thanks to a generous grant from Axe Body Spray. Researchers will use the funding to maintain his habitat and emerging douchebag lifestyle.

Photo credits: Ivan the jungle boy 4 by Aidan Jones, Stick by Bring Back WordsDouche by Mike Schmid, Roger’s new headset by Geoff Stearns, Self portrait – Do I really need to spell it out for you? by MattysFlicks, licensed under CC 2.0

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