Humanity Death Watch

Monthly Archives: March 2016

Apple’s outgoing voicemail tells truth about why you’re not answering

Furry lifestyler and ironic flip-phone user Jeff Valdez was outed by Siri.

Furry lifestyler and ironic flip-phone user Jeff Valdez was outed by Apple voicemail.

We all do it. The phone rings, we check who it is, and actively decide not to answer. Now caller ID, humankind’s luxurious little secret, is being outed, thanks to Siri’s newfound sentience.

Angry iPhone users are flooding Apple’s call centers with complaints that their outgoing voicemail message is being hacked by their beloved SIRI. They say that when they glance at their ringing phone and let it go to voicemail, the callers are leaving unexpected messages, somehow seeming to know that their call was screened.

Annoyed Siri exposes human deceit 

“I’d been avoiding my friend, Sheila, because she’s forever asking for favors, and I’m bad at saying no,” says Jezebel Foster, a victim of rogue Siri. “Then when I checked her voicemail she was all like, ‘F-you Jezebel! If you hate cat-sitting my real bitch of a cat so much you can just say no. And I only gave you your dress back with vomit still on it because you have a washer and dryer, and I don’t.’”

Watson, Ken Jennings announce birth of twins

The magic moment when Ken met Watson.

The magic moment when Ken met Watson.

Longest Jeopardy! winning streak contestant Ken Jennings and IBM’s question-answering computer system Watson announced the birth of twins Monday night.

“Both babies are happy and healthy,” a friend close to the family confirmed. “And the dads are just over the moon. You can tell already the kids take after both of them.”

The twins, Margaret Deep Blue (named for the infants’ godfather) and Sean Brigham (named for the Mormon pioneer), are fraternal, reportedly weighing in at 8 lbs. 3 oz. and 0.2×10^-15 oz., respectively. “Sean’s the runt until we pick out some hardware!” Jennings tweeted Friday morning. According to reports, the child is a tiny cluster of human cells with immense processing power. Margaret has a largely humanoid body with solid-state hard drives where her eyes should be.

Brown-skinned majority vote to replace white Jesus with the original

White Jesus is on the way out.

Caucasian Jesus is unlikely to be resurrected by non-whites, experts say.

In a unanimous vote by members of Christian Non-Whites United, or CNWU, white Jesus will be replaced by a more authentic depiction of their savior; one with dark skin, as the Middle-Eastern-born Jesus would have had.

Though American white-skinned people have enjoyed dominance over brown-skinned minorities since the first white settlers set foot on what is now the United States, today, 400 years later, darker skinned people far outnumber their pale European American brethren.

“It’s time to stop worshipping a savior who resembles those who oppressed us for so long,” CNWU leader Romeo Santos said. “Finally, our numbers mean we have the power to enforce our agendas. Besides, Jesus could use a little more swagger.”

Unsure what to do about hair

CNWU will use computer-assisted color-blending technology to select just the right tone of skin for Jesus’ new complexion. Santos says members prefer something slightly ambiguous.

“We want our Jesus to be like one of those people that you’re not really sure about. They could be black, Filipino or some kind of Hispanic. That way, all of us can see ourselves in Him. Not sure what we’ll do about the hair yet,” Santos said.

Cosmos unaware anything has changed

The Cosmos is reasonably confident it could identify the general area where Earth is located.

Citing only a passing awareness of Planet Earth’s existence, the Cosmos confirmed on Wednesday it had no idea that anything on the planet had changed.

When asked to comment on the rise of the machines, the boiling of the seas and the existence of Neil deGrasse Tyson, the Cosmos was at something of a loss. “Oh boy. Earth. Is that the one with the methane? Or the giant lizards? This is embarrassing, but I just don’t keep up with that part of reality that much.”

The Cosmos was similarly unable to conjure an opinion on the conversion of the world’s grain supply to electricity or the obliteration of the ozone layer to improve the collection of solar power.

“I’m sure it’s really important to the locals,” said the amalgamation of all that was, is, and ever could be. “But I have a lot on my plate. I keep telling myself that one of these days I’ll buckle down and take the time to catch up. But you know how it is. There’s always something more pressing.”

When made aware of its position in the boundless universe, humanity agreed that it “explained quite a few things.”

After several minutes of contemplation, the Cosmos seemed confident that it could “probably pick out Earth’s general area on a map,” adding that “It’s the part with three dimensions, right?”

Photo credit: NASA Unveils Celestial Fireworks as Official Image for Hubble 25th Anniversary by NASA Goddard Space Flight Center, licensed under CC 2.0


Disgraced hot dog eating champ outed as a cyborg

Can competitive eating regain its reputation in the wake of the latest scandal?

Can competitive eating regain its reputation in the wake of the latest scandal?

The competitive eating community is reeling following the revelation that world-famous hot dog eating champ Bruce Little underwent secret surgeries four years ago to gain an advantage over his competitors.

Documents uncovered by Humanity Death Watch show that Little had ribs removed to make room for a second stomach, and a mechanism was implanted in his jaw so that he could open wider and chew faster.

Ken Nagasaki, the long-time hot dog eating champ who lost his title to Little, said that while he’s shocked, in hindsight it makes sense.

“Little was always a strong opponent, but then a few years ago he just went into the stratosphere. I could tell he’d really been working on his deep-throating skills,” said Nagasaki. “I thought he must’ve hired a trainer because his gagging issues seemed to have gone away completely. The guy was a beast.”

A spokesperson for Major League Eating, the organization that oversees professional eating contests, admitted yesterday during a press conference that the scandal casts a pall on MLE’s distinguished reputation.

Obama fast-tracks death panels to meet pre-election demand

Death panel

Despite their ominous appearance, death panels are getting high marks for friendliness.

On Thursday, President Barack Obama finally got the bipartisan cooperation he sought for seven years as Congress authorized death panels to hear requests from citizens eager to have their life-saving medications withheld.
President Obama was attentive to voter demands for death panels.

“I hear you,  America.”

Signed into law in a morning Rose Garden ceremony, the so-called “Just Kill Me Now” legislation immediately went into effect. By late afternoon, the first applicant had met with a death panel in Cleveland, Ohio.

‘Now I can die with dignity, preferably before November 8’

“It’s such a relief to be denied my medication,” said Mary Schnegel, 91, whose mucopolysaccharidosis II requires drugs costing more than $300,000 annually. “Despite my scratch golf and active social life, I’m really suffering. Now I can die with dignity, preferably before November 8.”

Off the record, numerous citizens admitted their pleas for dignified deaths were a sham. “We just don’t want to live in a country where Hillary or the Donald is president,” confessed one 89-year-old-man. “At our age, dying is easier and less expensive than moving out of the country.”

New smart guns programmed to scold just like mom

New smart gun technology uses motherly disapproval to deter senseless violence.

Laser-focused motherly reprimands are the secret to new smart gun technology.

In the latest effort to curb gun-related violence, firearms engineers have introduced smart technology that uses the power of maternal shame to cause would-be shooters to think twice about harming another human.

New “Take to Task” technology from Stongarm Inc. embeds a special chip into a firearm which, at the point of purchase, is filled with audio recordings of reprimands from the buyer’s mother. Those reprimands are activated whenever the gun’s sensor detects the weapon is pointed at a human.

Admonishments on the chip include maternal classics such as:

— “This behavior is unacceptable.”

— “I taught you better than this.”

— “Put the gun away. I’m not asking you. I’m telling you.”

— “I’m going to count to three.”