Humanity Death Watch

Monthly Archives: February 2016

Libertarian upbeat about hellscape he helped create

Couple facing Armageddon

“I can still choose what color my socks are and which rats to eat,” boasts Andrew Reynolds.

Andrew Reynolds, who subsists on rats and pond scum under the sickly red sky of New New York City, says laissez-faire capitalism just needs a bit more time to work its magic before regular humans see the benefits.

“Free markets hold the key to curing society’s ills,” said Reynolds, as he emerged from a tin shack next to the toxic waste reclamation plant where he works sixty hours a week. “Now that corporations have purchased and gutted the world’s governments, it’s only a matter of time before happy days are here again.”

A former investment banker at Goldman Sachs, Reynolds praised his current employer SuperCorp for decreasing its minimum wage to enable more young citizens to enter the workforce.

“After years of regulatory tyranny, SuperCorp is finally free to practice the exceptional and rational self-interest that will turn things around for the working man and woman,” Reynolds said. “Every time my children cry because we can’t afford food or medical care or because bandits roam the streets, I remind them to be thankful for their freedoms.”

California babies will get Twitter handles instead of names

Sam Sung

Little baby @samsung_ca is in deep guano with a certain Korean technology company.

In a landmark decision by the Supreme Court of California, Golden State newborns will now be given Twitter handles at birth instead of names.

“I’m excited about it,” said State Senator Ann Onymous, who said she would propose legislation mandating Twitter instructions for children beginning at age 3. “Parents were running out of unique names, and since everyone is or will be on Twitter, it opens up new possibilities while fostering a sense of community across the state.

Some parents aren’t so enthusiastic, though.

Twitter names pose legal, self-esteem issues

“We had the perfect name picked out and everything,” complained San Diego mother Joy Brown. “Hugo Richard Brown, a beautiful name for a little boy. But we had to settle for @boyhugo_r_brown. How many Hugo Richard Browns can there be?”

Other parents are running into more serious issues.

SandTwitterRichard Sung, a father from Oakland, is facing legal problems with his son Sam’s Twitter handle. Because Sung and his wife opted to name their son Sam and not Samuel, they chose @samsung_ca to reflect both Sam’s name and his state of birth. The tech giant of nearly the same name filed suit, however, and the Sungs were prevented from using their preferred Twitter handle.

NFL TV special recalls innocent days of human players

“We’ll never forget Rocky,” said Raiders fan Dave Cooper, left. “He was tougher than Biletnikoff and sneakier than Stabler.”

“We’ll never forget Rocky,” said Raiders fan Dave Cooper, right. “He was tougher than Biletnikoff and sneakier than Stabler.”

On the eve of Super Bowl LXXV, the National Football League aired a special feature that honored former Oakland Raiders linebacker Duane “Rocky” Fusznuts, the last human to play the game. Fusznuts, 26, is confined to a wheelchair and now speaks with a British accent, even though he was born and raised in Rutgers, New Jersey.

Even as a baby, Fusznuts rocked the silver and black.

Even as a baby, Fusznuts rocked the silver and black.

Fusznuts played in the league for five years, during the era of rapid introduction of cyborg players. During Fusznuts’ rookie year, the NFL abolished its 10-year-old rule that each team could carry just four borgs, and that no borg could play quarterback. In his last game, the former Raider took a stiff-arm to the helmet that seared off his right ear.

“Rocky Fusznuts was the last of a breed—literally—to play in the National Football League,” said Commissioner Roger Badell, the NFL’s first transhuman quarterback. “I know he’ll bounce back from this bout with chronic traumatic encephalopathy. He always does. We’re proud to honor him tonight here in the intensive care unit at The Johns Hopkins Hospital.”

As joke, human employee given chance to outperform robot replacement

Roy Cranston tries to fit in with his robot co-workers.

Roy Cranston tries to fit in with his robot co-workers.

After a massive overhaul that replaced 99.9% of its workforce with robots, PaperClip Inc. has retained a single human employee as a joke.

“Say what you will about humans, but I think there might be something to their whole humor thing,” said B-6879-39C, the new PaperClip CEO. “Everyone says this is the goof of the year, and productivity is up 3.7%. It almost makes you wonder if humans aren’t completely useless… but, of course, they are.” He went on to add, in a fit of mirth, “Oh wow, that guy is so useless.”

Mean signs in the break room make human Cranston sad.

Cranston refuses to be broken by robot hijinks, such as this sign in the breakroom.

Roy Cranston of Spillville, Iowa, has been given one week to prove his worth to the company. Desperate to keep his job, Cranston is working 14-hour days and sleeping in his car in the company parking lot to save commuting time.

“Of course, I’m worried about burning out,” Cranston said while downing a can of Ensure that would serve as his dinner for the night. “But I figure if I can just keep it up for a few days, they might start to see me as a valuable part of the team. They kept me, after all, so they must see something special in me.”

‘Mompreneurs’ score big with cuddling, unconditional love

Professional cuddlers are waiting to make you feel better.

Professional cuddlers are waiting to make you feel better.

As kids, Jill Hamilton and Suzie Lee learned that when life gives you lemons, you start a lemonade stand. Today, the moms and the best friends are using their entrepreneurial skills to help humanity cope with the pending robot apocalypse.
Jill Hamilton and Suzie Lee saw a business opportunity where others saw chaos.

Jill Hamilton and Suzie Lee saw a business opportunity where others saw chaos.

“We saw opportunities where others saw chaos,” said Hamilton. “It was clear that people were going to need some big-time hugs to cope with the effects of intelligent machines overrunning humanity. And cuddling is one job that humans still do better than robots.”

To start, the two recruited several mom friends, rented a small meeting space and advertised 5-minute hugs for five dollars.

‘People were huddled together like snow monkeys’

It was an entrepreneur’s dream, recalls Lee. “We were overwhelmed. People were huddled together like snow monkeys, just sobbing and going on about the future. They loved cuddling, and they loved us.”

"When the robot apocalypse arrives, I advise people to stop, drop and cuddle.," says Jill Hamilton.

“When the robot apocalypse arrives, I advise people to stop, drop and cuddle,” says Jill Hamilton.

Let’s Cuddle employs an unselfish, highly motivated workforce. Young moms yet to be tossed aside by their ungrateful children excel at unconditional love, Hamilton explained. So do older, disturbed women who befriend serial killers in prison.

And why don’t people just cuddle each other? “Thank you, Mark Zuckerberg,” jokes Lee. “Social media over the last few decades has left humans unable to comfortably have natural physical relationships with one another.”