Humanity Death Watch

Feds hope to soothe angry voters with cute cat videos

Stressed about the election? Relax and watch a cat video.

Stressed about the election? Relax and watch a cat video.

Calling the U.S. presidential primaries a national mental health emergency, Surgeon General Howard Fine today commissioned 120 cat videos to help calm voters.
Angry and confused, Republican voter Jack Torrance is undecided between Thurston Howell III and Joe McCarthy.

Republican voter Jack Torrance is undecided between candidates Thurston Howell III and Joseph McCarthy.

The move comes as candidate rhetoric inflames an electorate outraged by high employment, a strong economy and more affordable health care.

Lame duck President Joe Bauers defended the Surgeon General’s decision as a sound investment aligned with American values and intellect. “Cat videos funny. Make people happy,” said Bauers.

Brawndo to sponsor cat videos

Brawndo logo

Cat videos are generously underwritten by Brawndo, the Thirst Mutilator.

Legendary Jackass movie producer Jeff Tremaine will make the majority of the videos, while Spike Lee will produce a dozen or so videos featuring black cats exclusively. Mexican film director Alejandro G. Iñárritu has been tapped to produce several cat allegories featuring humans dressed as cats.

Until the videos can be completed and posted, Surgeon General Fine advised citizens without pet allergies to consider adopting a homeless cat or dog. “An animal companion imparts many physical and mental health benefits. Dealing with the inevitable hairballs can also help voters prepare for the general election.”

Photo credits: “I’m all right, Coolest place in the house!” by Jim, 13 – caged animal by Ben NewtonBrawndoLogo.png by Philip Kromer, licensed under CC 2.0


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