Humanity Death Watch

Nation’s self-driving car masturbators demand neck-high windshields

Late yesterday the C.R.A.M.P. protest reached the state capitol in Sacramento.

Late yesterday the C.R.A.M.P. protest reached the state capitol in Sacramento.

Mountain View, California — It’s 7:30 a.m. and flocks of tech workers are fumbling with their backpacks and skinny lattes, greeting the workday with a yawn and a sigh. You might mistake it for a typical Monday morning in Silicon Valley were it not for the slogan-chanting throng gathered outside Google’s corporate offices, their picket signs thrusting into the crisp, mountain air. Their demonstration now enters its third day, with no end in sight.

The Citizens to Redesign Automobiles for Masturbation Privacy (C.R.A.M.P.) might seem like a joke to outsiders, but here on the front lines, nobody is chuckling. Instead, the protesters remain unified in their outrage and steely determination, even as they cycle through arguably amusing rallying cries, including, “Give us the right to be discrete / While roughin’ the muffin and beating the meat!”

Google concerned situation could get out of hand

Their mission statement consists of a single demand: that Google overhaul the design of its driverless car to obscure everything below the passenger’s neckline. This would allow users to take the cyclopes out on a date with Rosey Palmer and her five sisters without fear of exposing themselves to fellow motorists. Local law enforcement in full riot gear flanks the group. Although tensions remain high, they have yet to boil over into violence.

A concerned citizen eyeballs the future.

A concerned citizen eyeballs the future.

“Look, there’s a lot of misinformation floating around, so let me set the record straight on a few things: one, we aren’t a bunch of exhibitionist pervs who get off on strangers ogling our business,” said Greta Colbatz-Winters, activist and moderator of C.R.A.M.P.’s Facebook page.

‘Time management’ is real issue, says spokesperson

“This is about time management, plain and simple. You’re alone, your hands are free, you have twenty minutes until you get to the office, maybe even forty-five. Some of you browse Twitter, and some of you play Clash of Clans; we self-gratify. Second, the name of our group is C.R.A.M.P., and journalists who call us anything else in their articles and headlines are unprofessional,” she continued. Colbatz-Winters is likely referring to a story in the Huffington Post, which referred to the group as “The Cum-uters.”

“We ask that the misguided group of individuals located outside our offices disperse,” said a spokesperson from Google, in a statement released to the media. “They are obstructing traffic, and we fear that it’s only a matter of time before things get out of hand. That being said, below-the-neck privacy is something we hope to address in future models of our self-driving vehicles. Google is sensitive to your cause. After all, who do you think invented the incognito window?”

Photo credit: Tea party tax day protest 2010 by Fibanocci Blue, licensed under CC 2.0; U.S. Department of Transport on Twitter (@USDOT)


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