Humanity Death Watch

Libertarian upbeat about hellscape he helped create

Couple facing Armageddon

“I can still choose what color my socks are and which rats to eat,” boasts Andrew Reynolds.

Andrew Reynolds, who subsists on rats and pond scum under the sickly red sky of New New York City, says laissez-faire capitalism just needs a bit more time to work its magic before regular humans see the benefits.

“Free markets hold the key to curing society’s ills,” said Reynolds, as he emerged from a tin shack next to the toxic waste reclamation plant where he works sixty hours a week. “Now that corporations have purchased and gutted the world’s governments, it’s only a matter of time before happy days are here again.”

A former investment banker at Goldman Sachs, Reynolds praised his current employer SuperCorp for decreasing its minimum wage to enable more young citizens to enter the workforce.

“After years of regulatory tyranny, SuperCorp is finally free to practice the exceptional and rational self-interest that will turn things around for the working man and woman,” Reynolds said. “Every time my children cry because we can’t afford food or medical care or because bandits roam the streets, I remind them to be thankful for their freedoms.”

For now, Reynolds waits patiently. “I may work my fingers to the bone to make money for someone else, and I may have to live in a Mordor-esque environmental nightmare, but I can still choose what color my socks are and which rats to eat.”

Photo credit: Armageddon Expo by Salman Javed, armageddon by Julian Povey, licensed under CC 2.0

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