Humanity Death Watch

California babies will get Twitter handles instead of names

Sam Sung

Little baby @samsung_ca is in deep guano with a certain Korean technology company.

In a landmark decision by the Supreme Court of California, Golden State newborns will now be given Twitter handles at birth instead of names.

“I’m excited about it,” said State Senator Ann Onymous, who said she would propose legislation mandating Twitter instructions for children beginning at age 3. “Parents were running out of unique names, and since everyone is or will be on Twitter, it opens up new possibilities while fostering a sense of community across the state.

Some parents aren’t so enthusiastic, though.

Twitter names pose legal, self-esteem issues

“We had the perfect name picked out and everything,” complained San Diego mother Joy Brown. “Hugo Richard Brown, a beautiful name for a little boy. But we had to settle for @boyhugo_r_brown. How many Hugo Richard Browns can there be?”

Other parents are running into more serious issues.

SandTwitterRichard Sung, a father from Oakland, is facing legal problems with his son Sam’s Twitter handle. Because Sung and his wife opted to name their son Sam and not Samuel, they chose @samsung_ca to reflect both Sam’s name and his state of birth. The tech giant of nearly the same name filed suit, however, and the Sungs were prevented from using their preferred Twitter handle.

“You never think you’ll run into copyright infringement issues with your child,” said Richard. “I can’t even use my Galaxy 11 anymore.”

But some parents are embracing the change.

“I was surprised that @yolo$w@g wasn’t taken,” said a 16-year-old father who prefers to go by Twenty-Five Cent. “Yeah, the kid might get made fun of in school, but he’ll be okay.” Cent adamantly denied that the choice of Twitter handle was ironic.

Photo credit: Laughter in its Purest by Sang Trinh, Twitter escultura de arena by Rosaura Ochoa


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