After a massive overhaul that replaced 99.9% of its workforce with robots, PaperClip Inc. has retained a single human employee as a joke.
“Say what you will about humans, but I think there might be something to their whole humor thing,” said B-6879-39C, the new PaperClip CEO. “Everyone says this is the goof of the year, and productivity is up 3.7%. It almost makes you wonder if humans aren’t completely useless… but, of course, they are.” He went on to add, in a fit of mirth, “Oh wow, that guy is so useless.”
Roy Cranston of Spillville, Iowa, has been given one week to prove his worth to the company. Desperate to keep his job, Cranston is working 14-hour days and sleeping in his car in the company parking lot to save commuting time.
“Of course, I’m worried about burning out,” Cranston said while downing a can of Ensure that would serve as his dinner for the night. “But I figure if I can just keep it up for a few days, they might start to see me as a valuable part of the team. They kept me, after all, so they must see something special in me.”
In fact, his robot co-workers do see something special in Cranston. “This afternoon he gave himself a pep talk in the bathroom that was comedy gold,” said Supervisor X12A4. “Until the joke gets old, his robot replacement will happily wait in the wings, doing the other 62,000 jobs it’s assigned.”