Humanity Death Watch

Monthly Archives: February 2016

C-3PO honored at Oscars for positive portrayal of gay robot

C-3PO

In future films it’s possible his character could become even gayer, said C-3PO.

At the Oscars last night C-3PO received a special honor for his pioneering positive portrayal of a gay robot in the original Star Wars trilogy.

Released in 1977, a time when gay robots were portrayed as comic relief at best (K-9 in Doctor Who) and promiscuous and immoral at worst (HAL in 2001: A Space Odyssey), A New Hope showed audiences a robot who was kind, intelligent, multi-faceted, and, of course, totally gay.

“George (Lucas) supported me the whole way,” the teary-eyed robot said onstage in his acceptance speech. “I had this idea of what I wanted the character to be, and I was worried he wouldn’t allow it. This was not a time when people did this. But he stuck by me, and he was nothing but supportive. George, you deserve this award just as much as I do.”

Refuses to comment on Star Wars prequels 

Though he was full of praise for Lucas at the Oscars, C-3PO has been more critical in interviews. “I always thought we could do more,” he told Humanity Death Watch earlier this year. “Jedi came out in ‘83, right at the beginning of the AIDS epidemic. I told George we were in a unique position to do some good, but he didn’t want any part of it. I even had a scene sketched out in an Ewok nightclub. It would’ve been tasteful. But George nixed it. It was all politics back then, of course, and Star Wars was his baby, but still.”

Feds hope to soothe angry voters with cute cat videos

Stressed about the election? Relax and watch a cat video.

Stressed about the election? Relax and watch a cat video.

Calling the U.S. presidential primaries a national mental health emergency, Surgeon General Howard Fine today commissioned 120 cat videos to help calm voters.
Angry and confused, Republican voter Jack Torrance is undecided between Thurston Howell III and Joe McCarthy.

Republican voter Jack Torrance is undecided between candidates Thurston Howell III and Joseph McCarthy.

The move comes as candidate rhetoric inflames an electorate outraged by high employment, a strong economy and more affordable health care.

Lame duck President Joe Bauers defended the Surgeon General’s decision as a sound investment aligned with American values and intellect. “Cat videos funny. Make people happy,” said Bauers.

Brawndo to sponsor cat videos

Brawndo logo

Cat videos are generously underwritten by Brawndo, the Thirst Mutilator.

Legendary Jackass movie producer Jeff Tremaine will make the majority of the videos, while Spike Lee will produce a dozen or so videos featuring black cats exclusively. Mexican film director Alejandro G. Iñárritu has been tapped to produce several cat allegories featuring humans dressed as cats.

Artists struggle to suffer in new utopia

"For suffering, Sylvia Plath could knock it out of the park," says poet Lorraine Soup.

“For suffering, Sylvia Plath could knock it out of the park,” says poet Lorraine Soup.

Once, depressed and anxiety-ridden creatives like Sylvia Plath, Amy Winehouse and Edvard Munch delighted the world by turning their pain into art. Today, a new generation of artists is trying to recapture that unhappy magic and create art that inspires both suicidal thoughts and “likes” on Facebook.

The problems artists face in their struggle to struggle are daunting: the end of poverty, clean air and water, longer and healthier lives. But a small group of singers, painters, sculptors and writers in Florida are finding ways to reject the new utopia and experience tortured lives in the name of art.

Dustin Jingle, a singer/songwriter and member of Artists Seeking Suffering, or ASS, admits it’s not easy to make life hard these days.

‘R.E.M. was so lucky’

“With so many things that used to cause humanity anguish being obliterated, we have to work extra hard to find something to hate and struggle against,” says Jingle. “These days, if a lover leaves, we wish them well. Disease, mental illness, war and drug addiction are extinct. Black lives do matter. I mean, R.E.M. was so lucky when life sucked and everybody was hurting. Songs used to practically write themselves.”

R.E.M. had the good fortune to record in an era of great turmoil.

R.E.M. had the good fortune to record in an era of great turmoil and major life suckage.

Sony VR headset is just pair of goggles, guy in jumpsuit who pokes you

Unemployed bookseller Jay Winger took a job with Sony as the human component in the company's new VR offering.

Unemployed bookseller Jay Winger took a job with Sony as the human component in the company’s new VR offering.

Sony Computer Entertainment of America CEO Shawn Layden has announced he will be stepping down amid allegations that the company’s entry into the burgeoning home VR market is little more than a standard pair of flight goggles and some dude in a Tron jumpsuit who pokes the user, creating the illusion of full-immersion gaming.

“After I unboxed it and booted it up, my initial reaction was, ‘Wow, this is a massive leap forward’,” says Dave Faraci of TechInsider.web, who received an early review copy of the controversial device. “I was just checking off the specs, and they seemed impressive. High frame rate, great resolution, and when the dude in the Tron suit poked me it was like I could feel his fingers on my body and smell his lip balm.”

Within hours, Dave posted a positive review of the headset to the TechInsider front-page, a review which he would later redact after rumblings of impropriety began to spread across the Twittersphere.

‘I think there’s a dude in here’

“It showed up at my front door and I was like, ‘Damn, son. This box heavy,’” recalls YouTube superstar DreamBeans, whose real name is Alfonzo Jannetty. “After I busted into it and dug around I was scratching my head like, ‘Uh, I think there’s a dude in here.’ So that’s what I tweeted.'”

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Apple Watch fetches record sum on Antiques Roadshow

The original Apple Watch drew praise. “For centuries, we’ve checked the time by looking at our phones,” said Ellen DeGeneres. “Having it on your wrist? Genius.”

The original Apple Watch drew praise. “For centuries, we’ve checked the time by looking at our phones,” said Ellen DeGeneres. “Having it on your wrist? Genius.”

Historical experts were baffled yesterday when a decades-old Apple Watch was appraised for $2.3 million on the long-running TV series Antiques Roadshow. It was revealed today, however, that the appraisal was a ratings stunt perpetrated with the staff of a rejuvenated prank show now called Punk’d on PBS.

“Yep, it was all a joke,” giggled Punk’d on PBS senior producer Ashley Butcher. “I want to thank our colleagues from Roadshow for allowing us to get back into the public eye.”

“We won’t be doing this again,” said a peeved Alden Fogeyman, longtime host of Antiques Roadshow. “This was foisted on us by the network. This is a new low for PBS. I don’t care that this was our highest-rated episode this century. If I was in this business for ratings, I wouldn’t be on PBS.”

Couple with antique mask on Antiques Roadshow

Was fake Apple Watch appraisal a new low for high-brow PBS?

When Butcher was informed about Fogeyman’s reaction, he shrugged and grinned. “I’m a fan of Roadshow,” said Butcher. “Smart people watch that program. We thought people would realize right away that the Apple Watch was a piece of crap back from 2014. I mean, what was Apple thinking when they brought that thing out? The watch was too big, but even so the screen was too small. The battery sucked. And apps never worked on it.”

Nation’s self-driving car masturbators demand neck-high windshields

Late yesterday the C.R.A.M.P. protest reached the state capitol in Sacramento.

Late yesterday the C.R.A.M.P. protest reached the state capitol in Sacramento.

Mountain View, California — It’s 7:30 a.m. and flocks of tech workers are fumbling with their backpacks and skinny lattes, greeting the workday with a yawn and a sigh. You might mistake it for a typical Monday morning in Silicon Valley were it not for the slogan-chanting throng gathered outside Google’s corporate offices, their picket signs thrusting into the crisp, mountain air. Their demonstration now enters its third day, with no end in sight.

The Citizens to Redesign Automobiles for Masturbation Privacy (C.R.A.M.P.) might seem like a joke to outsiders, but here on the front lines, nobody is chuckling. Instead, the protesters remain unified in their outrage and steely determination, even as they cycle through arguably amusing rallying cries, including, “Give us the right to be discrete / While roughin’ the muffin and beating the meat!”

Google concerned situation could get out of hand

Their mission statement consists of a single demand: that Google overhaul the design of its driverless car to obscure everything below the passenger’s neckline. This would allow users to take the cyclopes out on a date with Rosey Palmer and her five sisters without fear of exposing themselves to fellow motorists. Local law enforcement in full riot gear flanks the group. Although tensions remain high, they have yet to boil over into violence.

A concerned citizen eyeballs the future.

A concerned citizen eyeballs the future.

“Look, there’s a lot of misinformation floating around, so let me set the record straight on a few things: one, we aren’t a bunch of exhibitionist pervs who get off on strangers ogling our business,” said Greta Colbatz-Winters, activist and moderator of C.R.A.M.P.’s Facebook page.

‘Time management’ is real issue, says spokesperson

“This is about time management, plain and simple. You’re alone, your hands are free, you have twenty minutes until you get to the office, maybe even forty-five. Some of you browse Twitter, and some of you play Clash of Clans; we self-gratify. Second, the name of our group is C.R.A.M.P., and journalists who call us anything else in their articles and headlines are unprofessional,” she continued. Colbatz-Winters is likely referring to a story in the Huffington Post, which referred to the group as “The Cum-uters.”

Valentine’s shocker: Technology shifts age at which women prefer dogs to husbands

Valentine'sDog

Watch your back, guys. The family dog could be gaining on you. Some scientists believe that women’s growing passion for animal companions will force men further into the shadows.

Simon Cone remembers the days when his wife Haley would light up when he walked into the room. These days when a smile and loving look appear on his wife’s face, Cone knows the cause is Sporty, the couple’s canine companion.

New research shows that Cone’s experience is becoming more common, as women increasingly prefer canine companions to husbands. “By age 43, about 72 percent of married women say they derive more joy from the family dog than their husband,” says Dr. Ima Pepper, sociologist and author of “The Future Is in My Head.” As late as 2005, men ranked higher than the family pet all the way until their late 60s.

Fur and shorter life spans would make men more appealing, researchers say

Fur and shorter life spans would make men more appealing, researchers say.

“What’s interesting is the link to technology, because women’s preference for dogs seems to move in lockstep with technology becoming simpler and easier to use,” adds Pepper.

Simpler technology changes social contract

Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates says he foresaw the link between technological complexity and male significance in society. “Do you really think all those missing .dll files, print spool errors and volume label syntax errors were mistakes? Microsoft gave men something to do that women perceived they needed. Unlike the user-pandering communists at a company let’s just call ‘Apple,’ we helped maintain the social contract that identifies women as users and men as network administrators.”

Women have stopped pretending to be grossed out by slobbering doggy kisses.

Women have stopped pretending to be grossed out by slobbering doggy kisses.

Pepper sees more trouble ahead for men. “If you think things are bad now with women anthropomorphizing dogs, just wait until that cute-as-a-button family robot shows up,” she said. “Men desperately need a new, barely functioning technology they can use to demonstrate their usefulness.”