Humanity Death Watch

Monthly Archives: January 2016

Bonobos overtake humans to win Time’s top primate honor

Bonobos celebrate pretty much everything with sex.

Bonobos celebrate their victory. Judges were impressed by the great apes’ preference for having sex with strangers rather than proselytizing and attacking them.

Bonobos, the fun-loving and peaceful great apes from Central Africa and one of the two closest extant relatives to humans, have won Time Magazine’s Primate of the Year award, beating out humans for the first time.

Humans have long held the top spot, losing only once to chimpanzees during the early years of space exploration, until humans realized they too could travel in space if they just made the rockets and space capsules a little bigger.

Some humans viewed the results as a wakeup call, but most attributed their loss to collective poor judgement during the run-up to the U.S. presidential election. “We’re only human. Just like our fellow primates, we can be distracted by shiny objects,” said importer/exporter and Human Fund board member Art Vandelay.

“That’s a classic human-centric view,” said Ook Mook, Vice Chancellor of Bonobos United. “Look at the bigger picture, and you can see we’re on the way up. We have the opposable thumbs. We have the capacity to use tools. We’re capable of altruism, compassion, empathy, kindness and patience.”

Other non-human primates rallied around the bonobos, hopeful they too may someday win top primate honors. The winning species earns a lifetime subscription to Time, an appearance on a GoDaddy TV commercial during the Super Bowl and a visit to the White House.

Horny nerds find superhero fantasy-bots are just high-maintenance bitches

Black Widow

“We deserve better, and we know it,” says Black Widow of FSG human boyfriends.

Chances are you’ve seen them. At coffee shops, malls and salons, they’re followed by men who behave like scolded puppies. Marvel’s new Fantasy Superhero Girlfriends (FSGs) were created to fulfill the fantasies of comic book enthusiasts, but unexpectedly, these beautiful bots have their own agendas.

According to men brave enough to speak out, their FSGs are turning out to be nothing like their boyhood fantasies.

One such boyfriend, who would only speak on the condition of anonymity, said, “Being able to order a lifelike Electra to be my live-in girlfriend was a dream come true. I figured she’d be strong willed, but I didn’t realize she’d take two hours to get ready to go grocery shopping, refuse to drink tap water, or give me the silent treatment if I forgot to tell her she was beautiful in the morning.”

Disgruntled buyers stuck with faux girlfriends

Though the majority of men who purchased FSGs have buyer’s remorse, Marvel’s no-returns policy leaves them stuck with their new faux girlfriends. The company claims they can’t resell FSGs after they’ve been used to satisfy their purchasers’ sexual cravings. Ironically, many men who have bought FSGs say the bots won’t even let them get past second base.

According to another anonymous source, who has been relegated to the role of his FSG’s chauffeur, the problem is that FSGs are too realistic.

The Force to strongly suggest business merger with Google

Stormtroopers tired of being bamboozled by Jedi trickery believe a merger with Google would provide the neural upgrades they need to better support the Force’s dark side.

Stormtroopers tired of being bamboozled by Jedi trickery believe a merger with Google would provide the neural upgrades they need to better support the Force’s dark side.

The Force, a metaphysical power that binds the universe, reportedly wants to merge with Google, the American multinational power that binds Internet searches.
Kylo Ren, a First Order commander and upcoming dark sider, says he would be a natural for the Google board.

Kylo Ren, a First Order commander and upcoming dark sider, says he would be a natural for the Google board.

Now ubiquitous, the Force first caught the attention of the business world when it was redundantly featured in the seminal Star Wars movie franchise. “May the Force be with you,” was a popular catchphrase that spurred several trillion dollars in sales of intergalactic spaceship casualwear.

Jedi Googlers could dominate commerce 

Business insiders say that board members of the Force are concerned about lagging merchandise sales and want to partner with Google on a colossal AdWords-related venture.

Rey, a Force minority shareholder, believes her expertise in hyperdrive technology could help jumpstart Google’s stalled space elevator project.

Rey, a Force minority shareholder, believes her expertise in hyperdrive technology could help jumpstart Google’s stalled space elevator project.

It’s speculated that a merger would give the Force immediate control of social media outlets, while Google would gain a competitive advantage in behavioral analytics and tracking of species throughout the universe.

‘There’s nothing to do anymore,’ complains 140-year-old cyborg

Despite having a bionic brain and reading it five times, Royd remains baffled by "Infinite Jest."

Despite having a bionic brain and reading it five times, Royd remains baffled by Infinite Jest.

When Andy Royd became a cyborg, boredom was the last thing on his bionic mind. Now he faces daily a dreadful sense of ennui as his life moves closer to eternity.

“I never thought that living forever would be so uneventful,” Royd said.

At 140 years old, Royd spends his days on his charger, usually counting virtual sheep and twiddling his bionic thumbs. He’s tried everything to stay interested in life, but nothing has helped.

Therapist and biomechanical engineer Robert Ott has worked with Royd over the past three decades. “At one point, Andy wanted to give up and donate his body to science,” Ott said. “I had to break it to him that he already had.”

Ott initially recommended a “bucket list,” and Royd filled an entire spiral notebook with his giant to-do list. Two decades later, Royd’s done it all.

“I’ve visited the Taj Mahal,” Royd said. “I’ve gone skydiving. I’ve eaten 47 hot dogs and didn’t throw up.  I’ve read Infinite Jest five times and still don’t know what it’s about.”

Cheated on bucket list

However, Ott pointed out that Royd hasn’t really done it all.

Uploaded man begs for death rather than eternity with Max Headroom

virtual picnic

Lonnie Gleek had hoped his unconsciousness would enjoy eternity at a virtual picnic. Instead it was thrust into an infinite vortex with Max Headroom.

The first man to ask for consciousness deletion says he would rather die than remain trapped for infinity in a vortex with 1980s artificial intelligence cultural phenomenon Max Headroom.
Blame Britain for spawning the irritating Max Headroom.

Blame Britain for spawning the irritating Max Headroom.

Lonnie Gleek, who uploaded his consciousness two months ago, says he thought Headroom was funny and even cool back then, but that was a long time ago.

“He’s actually a real dick,” said Gleek via chat room interview. “He’s horribly arrogant and infinitely irritating. He never shuts up. Never once has he stopped talking. Between that, the stuttering and the relentless repetition of annoying pitches and sounds, I find myself wishing I still had a body so I could at least deafen myself with an icepick.”

Gleek is not alone in being conflicted about life in cyberspace. Some consciousnesses love being able to do things like fly or construct beautiful worlds by simply thinking about them. But others must endure being lost or trapped in one of the billions of undesirable vortexes, including the mom blog sphere, colon polyp image files and TMZ’s webspace.