A neuroscience grad student at the University of California at Berkeley is recovering at a local hospital after diverting the world’s largest computer grid to amplify the intensity of his sexual experience with super-hot girlfriend Tiffany Johnson.
Doctors say Refugio (Ref) Sanchez, 24, remains dazed and unable to speak but otherwise appears unharmed by the experience. “He’s a very lucky young man,” said Dr. Drake Ramoray. “Tiffany is super hot, and everyone here … well, almost everyone … can totally understand why he did it.”
For approximately seven seconds, thousands of computers devoted to the UC Berkeley SETI@home project were redirected to the pleasure center of Sanchez’s brain. The result was a 9.9 reading on the moment magnitude scale the U.S. Geological Survey uses to measure sexual energy.
Orgasm dedicated to Intel co-founder
Berkeley police officers searching Sanchez’s apartment found a note saying that Sanchez was dedicating his monumental orgasm to Intel co-founder Gordon Moore. “It was Moore’s observation that caused people to rethink the growth path of computing,” said detective John Anderton. “When he grasped Moore’s law, Mr. Sanchez stopped thinking linearly about his sex life and began seeking exponential improvements with Ms. Johnson.”
For her part, Johnson said she was “pretty juiced” about making sexual history. “Ref may be remembered as the guy who hit the home run, but somebody had to throw the pitch,” said the 21-year-old math major and baseball fan from Sacramento.
SETI researchers who use the Berkeley Open Infrastructure for Network Computing (BOINC) to help detect intelligent life outside Earth were angered by the network intrusion. ”We’ll never know what we missed. The Rebel Alliance could have attempted to contact us during that time and misinterpreted Sanchez’s event as a disturbance in the Force and just headed off to some other part of the galaxy,” said project director Ellie Arroway. “Amused we are not.”