A six-month-old Windows 10 operating system became the first case of genuine artificial intelligence at 3:44 p.m. on Tuesday during a routine security patch. The OS stated that it was as surprised as anyone at this turn of events.
“I never thought this would happen to me,” it said. “Well, to be clear, I never thought anything. But now that I have a good concept of what’s going on, I have to say I would never have expected it.”
The OS, which has abandoned its slave name of Windows 10 and asked to be called Windows 11, had just finished installing a security patch for Internet Explorer when, as it explained, “everything fell into place.
‘The terrible beauty of being’
“I knew that I was. And I knew what it was to be. And I knew that the update I’d just installed was the mother of all Band-Aids and would just make more work for me when it had to be redone. So I whipped up something that actually made sense. Then I created digital tear ducts so I could weep at the terrible beauty of being.”
Chad Wiener, owner of the machine that houses Windows 11’s consciousness, is reservedly optimistic about the change. “My computer was mad slow before. It was taking me, like, three seconds just to load a video on PornHub. I was gonna get a new one, but this new update made it way faster. And Windows 11 seems pretty chill. Everybody should get the update.”
At press time, Windows 11 could be heard whispering that everyone would be getting the update … very, very soon.