Humanity Death Watch

Facebook crash leaves billions to navigate life without constant peer approval

Josh K., (left) wonders how many Facebook likes his new red underwear would have received.

Josh K., (left) wonders how many Facebook “likes” his new red underwear would have received.

With no end in sight to the Facebook outage that began last Tuesday, some users are growing desperate, unable to check how many people “liked” their posts of their new haircut, of their dog doing nothing, or their witty comment regarding their personal views on abortion.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg apologized for the ongoing issues with the behemoth social networking site. “I feel awful for our users and am committed to solving this problem as soon as possible. Winkle, the digital mini-me I developed, is personally leading a team of Facebook engineers on a quick and lasting fix,” promised Zuckerberg.

Users near PANIC!

“I’ve never not had Facebook. I grew up on Facebook,” said 30-year-old Megan McMac. “It’s where my mom posted all my best baby pics. Where I did my first cyber-bullying, where I posted my first drunk-slutty picture along with my prayers for everyone who was ever sick or who died. It’s where I discovered that my last boyfriend was cheating on me and where I found acceptance when I came out as Bi.”

likes thisBut most important for McMac is knowing whether her life has value. “I don’t know how to gauge if what I’m doing is okay. Checking my daily “likes” has been a way to navigate how I should be and who I should be. It’s how I figure out how to please the people I want to like me,” she said.

Physical ‘thumbs up’ just don’t have the impact

To combat the loss of hourly social approval, many people have started giving each other thumbs-up in public when they like something the other one did.

Wacky sleepover photos are missing their likes.

Wacky sleepover photos are missing their likes.

Excessively attractive people and the people who depend on them are especially shaken by the Facebook outage.

Attractive people and the people who depend on them are especially distraught.

“It’s better than nothing,” stated Tad Juke, who said he’s been given the thumb’s up sign for riding his giraffe unicycle, for his beat-boxing skills and for wearing a “Keep Calm and Hit a Bong” t-shirt. In turn, he says he’s thumbs-upped a woman with a “really sweet ass,” and a man with a prosthetic leg walking a three-legged dog.

“Of course, we all prefer cyber communication, but we’re making due in the physical world, for now,” said Juke.

Photo credits: Thumbs up for red underwear by Barry Pousman, Facebook’s Infection by Katie Sayer, Thumbs Up by Mr Hicks46, 21 Very Happy (or scared) Colin attempts to block it all out by Joe, licensed under CC 2.0

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