Humanity Death Watch

Brewers discover man who hasn’t switched to craft beer

A Miller man even in his youth, Joe DePaola isn’t having it with “fancy-boy” craft brews.

A Miller man even in his youth, Joe DiPaola isn’t having it with “fancy-boy” craft brews.

A coastal Delaware man is reportedly the last person on earth who has not switched his or her preference in beer to a “craft” selection.

Sixty-year-old Joe DiPaola—friends call the 320-pound commercial fisherman “Six Pack”—says he only drinks Miller Genuine Draft. On the rare occasion when his local pub, Biden’s, is out of MGD, he’ll splurge and order Rolling Rock.

DiPaola was born and raised in the summer resort city of Rehoboth Beach. The tiny town was quickly overrun by man-bunned, bearded craft beer brewers and marketing reps when news of DiPaola’s singular, old-fashioned taste got out.

Fancy boys sipping beer

Today’s beer drinkers have lots of choices.

“We’re sure we can interest Mr. DiPaola, uh, Six Pack, in our Me So Honey-Honey Wheat Ale,” said Pappy Zickerdine, head of public relations for San Diego-based Belching Beaver Brewery.

Zickerdine stood in the lobby of the Rehoboth Comfort Inn near Ken Nerketh, head brewer for Stone Brewing Co. Nerketh held in his hand a 22-ounce bottle of Arrogant Bastard Ale with a string around it tied to a gift card with “Six Pack” written on it.

Piled in the lobby were other gifts from would-be beer suitors. There were bottles of Smooth Hoperator (Stoudts Brewing Company), Boom Shakalager (Terrapin), Prescription Pils (Dogfish Head), Peter Piper Peppered Pale (Founders), Hoppy Seconds (Oskar Blues), Over Hopulation (21st Amendment) and Judas Yeast (Beer Valley), among others.

“I feel sorry for Six Pack because he’s only known fizzy yellow beer,” said Nerketh. “He needs to learn that craft is king. Yes, there are more calories in craft beer. And yes, alcoholic content is higher so we see a slightly higher incidence of accidental dismemberment. But have you tried a smoked porter right out of the boil kettle? Have you?”

Photo credits: MIT – Bob Logcher in Senior House by Roger W, IMG_3110 by David, Bergin, Emmett and Elliott, licensed under CC 2.0

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