Humanity Death Watch

Smart male implant synchronizes couple’s love calendar

Professor and entrepreneur Isabella Stallings is helping women regain control of their sex lives.

Ball State professor Isabella Stallings is helping women gain control of their sex lives.

When sex is the only thing on his mind and the last thing on yours, what’s a woman to do? If you’re professor Isabella Stallings, you use the latest advances in neuroscience to control your husband’s sexual urges and synchronize them with your own.

InSync is the name of Stallings’ new male “digi-drug” implant that is helping women get the sleep they deserve while rewarding their husbands and boyfriends with nocturnal fantasies that relieve their sexual frustration and encourage monogamy.

“My husband Brian is a twice-a-week guy, and I’m a once-a-week gal,” said Stallings, from her lab in Muncie, Indiana, near the Ball State campus where she teaches cell biology. “As a loving wife, I wanted a way to satisfy Brian’s disgusting urges while also maintaining my sanity and achieving my personal sleep goals. Brian got me thinking about a win-win solution one day when he said how much he missed the nocturnal emissions of his youth.”

Brian sleeps more than he used to.

Brian sleeps more than he used to.

Over nine months, Stallings worked with Intel and Israeli biotech company Freud Pharmaceuticals to develop an injectable capsule that contains fast-acting testosterone, a faster-acting sleep aid, and a nano-microchip that travels to the brain’s dream center in the limbic system. Once a month, while Brian is sleeping, Stallings shoots the tiny capsule into his neck, using a jet injector like those used to administer mass vaccinations.

Fantasies are fun to create and experience

When she senses Brian is nearing his sexual breaking point, Stallings activates the implant with the InSync smartphone app, sending him to dreamland where he enjoys the preprogrammed fantasy of her choice.

Fantasy #2Fantasy #3Fantasy #4“It was a blast creating the fantasies for Brian. They all feature me in these really great outfits, so the fantasies reinforce his love for me,” Stallings said, giggling slightly, before admitting to creating one fantasy featuring Hillary Clinton as a dominatrix. “My sister and I had too much to drink one night and just couldn’t resist.”

Happy, but unaware why his wet dreams have resumed, Brian is more relaxed and fun to be with, Stallings said. The InSync system has worked flawlessly, she added, except for the time she accidentally put Brian to sleep during Thanksgiving dinner. “He was embarrassed, but I just told everyone it was the tryptophan in the turkey.” To prevent accidental or improper activation, Stallings has since added password protection for the app.

Women’s liberation 2.0 begins now

Following three months of testing on her husband, Stallings began marketing the product to her friends. She received such a positive response that she’s planning a multilevel marketing campaign to sell InSync nationwide. Amway and Herbalife have both expressed an interest in the product.

“I’m overwhelmed by the number of women friends whose lives I’ve changed for the better,” Stallings added. “The birth control pill liberated women to enjoy sex. InSync liberates us to enjoy sex exactly when we’re interested.”

Photo credits: Untitled and fantasy photos by Patrick Subotkiewiez, Day 39: I’m man enough by Pete Markham, licensed under CC 2.0

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