Humanity Death Watch

Horny nerds find superhero fantasy-bots are just high-maintenance bitches

Black Widow

“We deserve better, and we know it,” says Black Widow of FSG human boyfriends.

Chances are you’ve seen them. At coffee shops, malls and salons, they’re followed by men who behave like scolded puppies. Marvel’s new Fantasy Superhero Girlfriends (FSGs) were created to fulfill the fantasies of comic book enthusiasts, but unexpectedly, these beautiful bots have their own agendas.

According to men brave enough to speak out, their FSGs are turning out to be nothing like their boyhood fantasies.

One such boyfriend, who would only speak on the condition of anonymity, said, “Being able to order a lifelike Electra to be my live-in girlfriend was a dream come true. I figured she’d be strong willed, but I didn’t realize she’d take two hours to get ready to go grocery shopping, refuse to drink tap water, or give me the silent treatment if I forgot to tell her she was beautiful in the morning.”

Disgruntled buyers stuck with faux girlfriends

Though the majority of men who purchased FSGs have buyer’s remorse, Marvel’s no-returns policy leaves them stuck with their new faux girlfriends. The company claims they can’t resell FSGs after they’ve been used to satisfy their purchasers’ sexual cravings. Ironically, many men who have bought FSGs say the bots won’t even let them get past second base.

According to another anonymous source, who has been relegated to the role of his FSG’s chauffeur, the problem is that FSGs are too realistic.

Emma Frost

Emma Frost FSG won’t let her human boyfriend get to second base.

She-Hulk

She-Hulk is a popular FSG until she gets pissed off.

“They made them too much like real superheroes. FSGs actually have power over us. My Emma Frost Fantasy Girlfriend can read my mind just like in the stories. She can even plant thoughts into my brain. She keeps making me think we had sex, but it can’t be true or I’d be way happier, or at least more relaxed,” he says. “I keep finding myself quietly holding her purse while she tries on clothes at pricey boutiques. I just wanted to Netflix and chill with her, you know?”

‘We deserve better, and we know it’

FSGs aren’t finding ultimate happiness with their new beaus, either. Black Widow says she doesn’t try to hide her disdain for her “loser boyfriend,” Hershel.

“I can’t stand him. He wears Crocs and his breath smells like a petting zoo,” said Black Widow. “People call us high-maintenance, but they don’t realize the guys buying us are mostly in their forties and still live with their mothers. We deserve better, and we know it.”

Photo credits: Black Widow by Pat Loika, DragonCon 2011 – Marvel Photoshoot by Kyle Nishioka, and Comic Con 2013 – Emma Frost cosplayer by Christopher Brown, licensed under CC 2.0

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