Humanity Death Watch

Uploaded man begs for death rather than eternity with Max Headroom

virtual picnic

Lonnie Gleek had hoped his unconsciousness would enjoy eternity at a virtual picnic. Instead it was thrust into an infinite vortex with Max Headroom.

The first man to ask for consciousness deletion says he would rather die than remain trapped for infinity in a vortex with 1980s artificial intelligence cultural phenomenon Max Headroom.
Blame Britain for spawning the irritating Max Headroom.

Blame Britain for spawning the irritating Max Headroom.

Lonnie Gleek, who uploaded his consciousness two months ago, says he thought Headroom was funny and even cool back then, but that was a long time ago.

“He’s actually a real dick,” said Gleek via chat room interview. “He’s horribly arrogant and infinitely irritating. He never shuts up. Never once has he stopped talking. Between that, the stuttering and the relentless repetition of annoying pitches and sounds, I find myself wishing I still had a body so I could at least deafen myself with an icepick.”

Gleek is not alone in being conflicted about life in cyberspace. Some consciousnesses love being able to do things like fly or construct beautiful worlds by simply thinking about them. But others must endure being lost or trapped in one of the billions of undesirable vortexes, including the mom blog sphere, colon polyp image files and TMZ’s webspace.

Neuroscientist Igor Vlad says some negative experiences are to be expected because cyberspace is so vast that it’s impossible to anticipate all of the possibilities and paths that a free consciousness could take.

“Also, I totally forgot about Max Headroom. I think we all did,” said Vlad. “We promised an indefinite life span, not eternal happiness.”

Fortunately for Gleek, he signed a contract before giving up his body that would ensure his escape by complete deletion if he communicated the safe word, “shuttlecock.”

He’s slated to be deleted on the last day of the month.

Photo credits: Virtual picnic by University of Salford Press Office and Max Headroom: UK Pilot (1986) by Ingrid Richter

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