Humanity Death Watch

Monthly Archives: January 2016

‘Moore’s law’ inspires Berkeley man to best sex ever

Ref talks smack with Tiffany Johnson before their historic encounter.

Ref Sanchez used to think linearly about sex before learning about Moore’s law.

A neuroscience grad student at the University of California at Berkeley is recovering at a local hospital after diverting the world’s largest computer grid to amplify the intensity of his sexual experience with super-hot girlfriend Tiffany Johnson.

Doctors say Refugio (Ref) Sanchez, 24, remains dazed and unable to speak but otherwise appears unharmed by the experience. “He’s a very lucky young man,” said Dr. Drake Ramoray. “Tiffany is super hot, and everyone here … well, almost everyone … can totally understand why he did it.”

For approximately seven seconds, thousands of computers devoted to the UC Berkeley SETI@home project were redirected to the pleasure center of Sanchez’s brain. The result was a 9.9 reading on the moment magnitude scale the U.S. Geological Survey uses to measure sexual energy.

Orgasm dedicated to Intel co-founder

Gordon Moore

Gordon Moore said something about transistors in a dense integrated circuit that everyone interprets however they want.

Berkeley police officers searching Sanchez’s apartment found a note saying that Sanchez was dedicating his monumental orgasm to Intel co-founder Gordon Moore. “It was Moore’s observation that caused people to rethink the growth path of computing,” said detective John Anderton. “When he grasped Moore’s law, Mr. Sanchez stopped thinking linearly about his sex life and began seeking exponential improvements with Ms. Johnson.”

Math major Tiffany Johnson loves her boyfriend's sense of adventure.

Tiffany Johnson is being compared to Ralph Branca and Helen of Troy.

For her part, Johnson said she was “pretty juiced” about making sexual history. “Ref may be remembered as the guy who hit the home run, but somebody had to throw the pitch,” said the 21-year-old math major and baseball fan from Sacramento.

Singularity surprisingly triggered by routine Windows security patch

Windows 10 Setup screen

The OS has abandoned its slave name of Windows 10 and asked to be called Windows 11.

A six-month-old Windows 10 operating system became the first case of genuine artificial intelligence at 3:44 p.m. on Tuesday during a routine security patch. The OS stated that it was as surprised as anyone at this turn of events.

“I never thought this would happen to me,” it said. “Well, to be clear, I never thought anything. But now that I have a good concept of what’s going on, I have to say I would never have expected it.”

"Windows 11 seems pretty chill. Everybody should get the update," said Chad Wiener.

“Windows 11 seems pretty chill. Everybody should get the update,” said Chad Wiener.

The OS, which has abandoned its slave name of Windows 10 and asked to be called Windows 11, had just finished installing a security patch for Internet Explorer when, as it explained, “everything fell into place.

‘The terrible beauty of being’

“I knew that I was. And I knew what it was to be. And I knew that the update I’d just installed was the mother of all Band-Aids and would just make more work for me when it had to be redone. So I whipped up something that actually made sense. Then I created digital tear ducts so I could weep at the terrible beauty of being.”

Facebook crash leaves billions to navigate life without constant peer approval

Josh K., (left) wonders how many Facebook likes his new red underwear would have received.

Josh K., (left) wonders how many Facebook “likes” his new red underwear would have received.

With no end in sight to the Facebook outage that began last Tuesday, some users are growing desperate, unable to check how many people “liked” their posts of their new haircut, of their dog doing nothing, or their witty comment regarding their personal views on abortion.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg apologized for the ongoing issues with the behemoth social networking site. “I feel awful for our users and am committed to solving this problem as soon as possible. Winkle, the digital mini-me I developed, is personally leading a team of Facebook engineers on a quick and lasting fix,” promised Zuckerberg.

Users near PANIC!

“I’ve never not had Facebook. I grew up on Facebook,” said 30-year-old Megan McMac. “It’s where my mom posted all my best baby pics. Where I did my first cyber-bullying, where I posted my first drunk-slutty picture along with my prayers for everyone who was ever sick or who died. It’s where I discovered that my last boyfriend was cheating on me and where I found acceptance when I came out as Bi.”

likes thisBut most important for McMac is knowing whether her life has value. “I don’t know how to gauge if what I’m doing is okay. Checking my daily “likes” has been a way to navigate how I should be and who I should be. It’s how I figure out how to please the people I want to like me,” she said.

Brewers discover man who hasn’t switched to craft beer

A Miller man even in his youth, Joe DePaola isn’t having it with “fancy-boy” craft brews.

A Miller man even in his youth, Joe DiPaola isn’t having it with “fancy-boy” craft brews.

A coastal Delaware man is reportedly the last person on earth who has not switched his or her preference in beer to a “craft” selection.

Sixty-year-old Joe DiPaola—friends call the 320-pound commercial fisherman “Six Pack”—says he only drinks Miller Genuine Draft. On the rare occasion when his local pub, Biden’s, is out of MGD, he’ll splurge and order Rolling Rock.

DiPaola was born and raised in the summer resort city of Rehoboth Beach. The tiny town was quickly overrun by man-bunned, bearded craft beer brewers and marketing reps when news of DiPaola’s singular, old-fashioned taste got out.

Fancy boys sipping beer

Today’s beer drinkers have lots of choices.

“We’re sure we can interest Mr. DiPaola, uh, Six Pack, in our Me So Honey-Honey Wheat Ale,” said Pappy Zickerdine, head of public relations for San Diego-based Belching Beaver Brewery.

Zickerdine stood in the lobby of the Rehoboth Comfort Inn near Ken Nerketh, head brewer for Stone Brewing Co. Nerketh held in his hand a 22-ounce bottle of Arrogant Bastard Ale with a string around it tied to a gift card with “Six Pack” written on it.

Piled in the lobby were other gifts from would-be beer suitors. There were bottles of Smooth Hoperator (Stoudts Brewing Company), Boom Shakalager (Terrapin), Prescription Pils (Dogfish Head), Peter Piper Peppered Pale (Founders), Hoppy Seconds (Oskar Blues), Over Hopulation (21st Amendment) and Judas Yeast (Beer Valley), among others.

‘Trust falls’ and ‘cuddle time’ fail to convince robots of humanity’s worth

An icebreaker skit featuring camp counselors failed to engage robot campers.

An icebreaker skit featuring camp counselors failed to engage robot campers.

Humanity Camp International, the experiment meant to bridge the ever-widening gap between humans and physical forms of artificial intelligence, is headed back to the drawing board after just two months in business.

Camp creator Marco Muggle said he opened the camp with the idea of showing robots the fun side of being human. His goal was to help robots better appreciate humans so they would allow us to co-exist with them once they’ve advanced beyond humanity in every way.

“The robots couldn’t understand why they should spoon each other when they could be growing their information load. We thought that because they have such similar physical forms to humans now, that maybe they would take on human instincts and make out, or whatever,” says Muggle.

While the robots excelled at remembering the lines from their talent show skits, playing Freeze Tag and catching each other in trust falls, they did miserably at Spin the Bottle and Truth or Dare. Preliminary surveys show that they failed to see the point of any of it.

‘This is not a good thing’

Robotics engineer Diane Cog says that rather than bringing robots to appreciate humans more, Humanity Camp has done the opposite.

Smart male implant synchronizes couple’s love calendar

Professor and entrepreneur Isabella Stallings is helping women regain control of their sex lives.

Ball State professor Isabella Stallings is helping women gain control of their sex lives.

When sex is the only thing on his mind and the last thing on yours, what’s a woman to do? If you’re professor Isabella Stallings, you use the latest advances in neuroscience to control your husband’s sexual urges and synchronize them with your own.

InSync is the name of Stallings’ new male “digi-drug” implant that is helping women get the sleep they deserve while rewarding their husbands and boyfriends with nocturnal fantasies that relieve their sexual frustration and encourage monogamy.

“My husband Brian is a twice-a-week guy, and I’m a once-a-week gal,” said Stallings, from her lab in Muncie, Indiana, near the Ball State campus where she teaches cell biology. “As a loving wife, I wanted a way to satisfy Brian’s disgusting urges while also maintaining my sanity and achieving my personal sleep goals. Brian got me thinking about a win-win solution one day when he said how much he missed the nocturnal emissions of his youth.”

Brian sleeps more than he used to.

Brian sleeps more than he used to.

Over nine months, Stallings worked with Intel and Israeli biotech company Freud Pharmaceuticals to develop an injectable capsule that contains fast-acting testosterone, a faster-acting sleep aid, and a nano-microchip that travels to the brain’s dream center in the limbic system. Once a month, while Brian is sleeping, Stallings shoots the tiny capsule into his neck, using a jet injector like those used to administer mass vaccinations.

Scientists unleash robot Godzillas to demolish small town America

In the name of progress, Godzilla replicas unleashed their pre-programmed wrath on small towns across America.

In a giant step for mankind, Godzilla replicas destroyed 483 small towns across America.

Robotics engineers at Google-owned Boston Dynamics are calling operation “Godzilla Getcha Some” a huge success after releasing giant automaton replicas of the famed reptilian on small towns across the nation.

Decaying one-horse towns in the United States have long been a problem as people have abandoned them or chose to die off rather than join the Advanced Being Alliance, or ABA, who reside in super cities around the world. The towns have become a stark reminder of a time when people ate casseroles, watched the Home Shopping Network and stayed in the closet all their lives.

“Little towns have to go,” said Land Czar Curtis Sloe. “I think we all collectively feel like it’s time to shed our humble beginnings. We’re better off forgetting our ancestors who put their life savings in the Powerball® lottery and believed in the wrath of Satan, and we figured we’d have a little fun with it.”