Humanity Death Watch

Monthly Archives: December 2015

Playboy erects new strategy to bring back nudes

penis festival

In Japan, women celebrated the opportunity to once again appear nude in Playboy.

Though millions of people had really started to pick up Playboy to read the articles, the company has now re-reversed a decision to stop featuring nude photographs of women.

Marge2The racy publication burst onto the scene in 1953 and grew its circulation to a high of 7 million in 1972. The proliferation of free Internet porn sites helped whittle that number to 800,000 in 2015, the year executives decided to give up and de-nude.

Hef joined millions in protesting government data collection.

Hef joined millions in protesting government data collection.

A Playboy spokesperson says founder Hugh Hefner had signed off on the idea to nix nudes. But company executives later discovered Hefner had overdosed on mutated Viagra pills a decade earlier. That medical incident killed all brain activity and ceased function of all his vital organs, save for his penis. Hefner’s penis subsequently developed cognitive abilities and continued to run the company, albeit with limited communication skills, says Hefner’s personal physician Paman Derson.

Head fake fools Playboy executives


A sophisticated party guy in public, Hef could be stiff in private.

“We think Hef’s penis was approached with the idea to stop running nudes and tried to refuse, but the physical response looked like Hef shaking his head in agreement,” says Derson.

‘Game of Thrones’ fans coping with depression as final book nears

The hopes and dreams of readers are crumbling.

Some readers are asking themselves if life will be worth living.

To the bewilderment of fans worldwide, the much anticipated seventh and final book of George R. R. Martin’s “A Song of Ice and Fire” series is slated to be released this year.

The news is bittersweet to fans, some of whom have lived their entire lives anticipating new installments of the book series that spawned the critically acclaimed HBO series “A Game of Thrones.” Diehard fans say they can’t imagine a world in which there is no more waiting for the next book.

Author George R.R. Martin faced a Congressional inquiry into why the “A Song of Ice and Fire” series could not continue.

George R.R. Martin faced a Congressional inquiry into why the “A Song of Ice and Fire” series could not continue.

Support groups are popping up all over the globe to help the afflicted, many who report feeling as helpless and full of despair as Sansa Stark when she was living at the Red Keep.

Chester Marsupial, 50, is one such fan.

The waiting is part of who I am’

“I read the first five books all in a row, because they’d long been published by the time I decided to see what all the fuss was about. Of course, I was immediately hooked, and I anxiously waited for nearly twenty years for the publication of the sixth book, “The Winds of Winter,” said Marsupial. “But in the waiting, something magical happened.”

Marsupial touched his first woman at a local A Song of Ice and Fire Anticipators (ASOIAFA) potluck, when he accidentally elbowed a Cersei Lannister impersonator in the left boob.

Grandma adorably suggests taking family vacation in physical realm

He’s thinking twice about his family vacation and so should you, advises former travel consultant Rick Steves.

He’s thinking twice about his family vacation and so should you, advises former travel consultant Rick Steves.

When Abagail Pulaski, 81, proposed visiting the actual Grand Canyon on the family summer vacation, everyone thought she was kidding. She wasn’t.
Family matriarch prefers reality.

Family matriarch prefers reality.

“There’s a path along the rim, and so much wonderful scenery,” Pulaski told her son, daughter-in-law and two grandchildren. “The path might be a little uneven for me, but I’d be happy to sit on a bench and watch the river while you all have fun. We might even see a hawk.”

“Jesus fuck, grandma,” said Sigmund Pulaski, 9, who proposed they use their Rift Immersion Implants to visit the seventh dimension, the RoboSphere or a newly discovered alternate universe where children rule the world.

Despite her family’s insistence that interdimensional destinations were well within her grasp, the elder Pulaski maintained that her new implant, last year’s Christmas gift, caused buzzing in her ears and was “not worth the fuss.”

“We need to do at least one thing a year together as a goddamn family,” insisted Mr. Pulaski.

“Kids, it sounds like your dad really wants another trip to the fiery depths of sexless hell,” joked wife Sybil Pulaski, before using her implant to activate her favorite Chris Hemsworth fantasy.

Singularity divides couple over ‘till death do us part’ marriage vow

“I just need to fool her for another few decades,” confided Juando Simpson.

“I just need to string her along for another few decades,” confided Jean Paul Babineau.

A singularitarian trying to convince his wife that their wedding vows extend beyond their corporeal lives admits that he may have oversold the benefits of the singularity when he promised her the secrets of the universe and an eternity of Category 5 orgasms.

“I love Stephanie more every day, and I can’t imagine life without her,” said Jean Paul Babineau. “But as a singularitarian, I expect to live forever in virtual reality, or maybe even as some sort of transcendent entity traveling the universe, kind of like a microscopic Doctor Who. I want Stephanie with me every step of the way.”

Stephanie Babineau has different ideas. “He’s crazy. I signed up for one normal lifetime, and that’s it. No life extension. No brain uploading. No transhumanism. No transcendence.”

As life spans extend, singularitarians—mostly males like Jean Paul Babineau—face a longer midlife crisis period, experts say. “Living forever becomes their raison d’être,” said French psychologist Pierre Lafitte. “Rather than simply enjoying their golden years or taking young lovers as we French do, they obsess over mortality and extending their influence.”

SeaWorld’s new plan to boost revenue: The Orca Hotel

Underwater Hotel

At The Orca Hotel, you’ll sleep with the fishes.

After SeaWorld San Diego was forced to end its killer whale shows, the tourist attraction had planned to reboot its bottom line by building a nearby mega-hotel. The California Coastal Commission vetoed that project, but now the company has a new idea that executives believe honors its roots and also panders to out-of-town visitors: The Orca Hotel.

whale“It’s an expansive, underwater hotel in the Pacific Ocean where guests sleep, eat and interact with the whales,” says SeaWorld’s media director, former Navy Captain Ahab Enmoby. “We’ve designated 1.2 million square feet of seabed just off of Mission Beach that will be walled off from the rest of the ocean. We’re certain the public will be dying for this experience.”

Las Vegas odds-makers have set the over/under for the project’s cost at $1.25 billion.

One killer whale, two killer whales, three killer whales … 

Enmoby says the park learned its lesson after the documentary Blackfish soured the public’s attitude about keeping whales in small enclosures and making them perform tawdry circus-like tricks three times a day.

“The whales will be completely free—within the designated walls—and will swim in the oceans that their in-bred ancestors once roamed,” says Enmoby. “And imagine the delight of guests who can retire to the kelp beds in their suites and fall asleep counting the killer whales that are circling above them.”

Neo-Amish in trouble for using 3-D printers to make Atari 2600 game consoles

Colorful-dressing but scruffy-looking Neo-Amish are flourishing near San Diego.

They only look wholesome. Some Neo-Amish are badass troublemakers.

Some Neo-Amish are in hot water with their leaders after being caught using forbidden technology. Four members of the non-religious, anti-anything-but-analog-technology group were caught hiding a 3-D printer in a remote cabin near their compound, which they say they were planning to use to create an Atari 2600 gaming console on which they could play the first video game, Pong.

The Neo-Amish, whose charter rejects any technology that became popular after the 1970s, have created a flourishing society near San Diego. Each year, thousands of tourists flock to the Neo-Amish enclave for bygone activities like roller skating in short shorts and tall socks, boogieing at the disco, and playing tetherball.

The group, which has about 5,500 members, is led by a small council whose spokesperson goes by the single name, Mork.

‘Don’t harsh my mellow, man’

In a press conference, Mork proclaimed that while Pong was a “neat-o” game, the use of a 3-D printer to re-create it really “harshed his mellow.”

“I loved Pong as much as the next cat, man. Dig it. But if we use modern technology for any reason then we’re nothing but a bunch of phonies,” Mork said. “No way, Jose.”