Humanity Death Watch

Cancer-eating nanobot takes unpaid internship in rectum

Clive, as imagined by Beetle the nanobot

Beetle the nanobot faces a daily uphill battle inside Clive Jackson’s anus.

BOSTON — A nanobot with high hopes for helping humanity defeat cancer is instead working as an unpaid intern handling feces inside the rectum of Clive Jackson, a morbidly obese Bay Stater.

Bio-Engineered Tiny Leukemia Eradicator #0871, nicknamed Beetle, was designed to target, destroy and replace abnormal white blood cells, enabling leukemia patients to recover without unpleasant chemo or radiotherapy. But the economic downturn and glut of nanobots have left Beetle facing an uncertain future.

“I graduated from MIT in the top 1,000 in my class,” Beetle said. “That doesn’t sound impressive until you remember that there were nine billion of us in the program. Now I’ve had to move back into the diamondoid nanofactory with my parents and take an internship, literally shoveling sh*t in Clive’s ass.”

Clive Jackson suffers from gastroenteritis. Beetle took the place of several million gut bacteria after Jackson ate some processed cheese. “The boss tells me I’m getting valuable experience, but it’s not really relevant to what I want to do. The only thing I can see being at the end of is Clive’s hairy anus,” said Beetle.

Internships have their critics

Trillions of nanobots like Beetle take unpaid internships every year, despite concerns that they are exploitative and favor microscopic robots from more privileged backgrounds.

“I’m lucky that I can afford to work in Clive’s ass for free,” Beetle said, “I have friends who are also miraculous life-saving machines that can’t afford to take an unpaid internship like this. Living in Clive would be prohibitively expensive, and to work in his rectum, I’d also have to pay to commute from shared accommodation in his armpit every day.”

Though there are plenty of critics of unpaid internships, a spokesperson for cancer defends them. Timothy Cohen of Burson-Marsteller Public Relations, the agency representing leukemia and colorectal tumors, says, “Companies delivering quality services want only the very best graduates, and internships provide the experience those graduates need. Perhaps, like a lot of whiny millennials, Beetle would benefit from working hard and living in the real world for a time.”

Clive’s ass was unavailable for comment.

Photo credit: “RedBastardBouffon” by Wallaceknight – Own work. Licensed under Public Domain via Wikimedia Commons

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