Humanity Death Watch

Turns out dumb tattoos are laced with smart technology

Tattoo artist Meercat Van Hagar used inks laced with secret chemicals.

Tattoo artist Meercat Van Hagar used inks laced with secret chemicals.

A tattoo artist in Las Vegas has revealed that for the past nine years the federal government has been subsidizing her and others in the industry by supplying ink that tracks the psychosomatic predispositions of human beings.

Meercat Van Hagar, an 11-year professional whose Las Vegas Strip tattoo parlor is called The Mad Tatter, said that while people may sometimes choose laughable designs, her smart tattoos help to beautify humanity and keep America safe from terrorists and other psychopaths. “So those faux-hipster shade throwers who don’t understand what’s behind the art can just suck it.”

What’s behind the art is a clandestine campaign by the CIA. Tattoo ink such as Bloodline, Skin Candy and Eternal have been tainted with top-secret chemicals that seep through the skin and into the bloodstream. The process is called osmosocrania. The active ingredient in the chemical enters the brain and, in essence, starts taking notes.

‘Gotcha’ skin art serves national interests, says expert

“It’s like sending a microscopic Mike Wallace into your cranium,” says Kumar Haroldstein, a junior assistant associate professor at the University of California, Santa Cruz. “In just 60 minutes, the chemical absorbs all your predispositions. Then, every time you walk through a TSA full-body scanner at the airport, the information is sucked out and automatically entered into a national database.”

Haroldstein says the style of tattoo art is not a factor in the process, and that the design is barely taken into account when individuals are red-flagged by the system.

“It used to be that a ‘tramp stamp’ denoted a slutty woman, and ‘MOM in a heart’ was nearly always a guy in a bike gang,” he says. “Now we’re finding terrorists with Betty Boops, Dia de los Muertoses and spider webs on their shoulders.”

Haroldstein defends the campaign as a security measure that makes all Americans safer. He says that people who have tainted ink in their art sign waivers. Haroldstein admits, though, that most people who get tattoos are too drunk at the time to read or understand the waiver.

Photo credit: Nice Shorts by Tony Alter, licensed by CC 2.0

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