Humanity Death Watch

Transhumans explore self-expression with new appendages


Proctologist Herman Jackson is 19% more efficient with his new fleshlight.

Humans are beginning to accept the idea of transhumanism as many are letting go of their traditional bodies and embracing the artistic and practical advantages of appendage reassignment surgery.

Sociologists credit the growing acceptance to progressive ideas about body enhancement and superstore pricing from Appendages-R-Us. Much like the tattoo boom at the turn of the century, personalized appendages are becoming a common way for people to express themselves.

Appendages-R-Us CEO Kyle Thornish, who himself has replaced one hand with a giant foam finger and his feet with pedi-jet packs, says the possibilities are endless, adding that while some replacement parts are far less useful than the biological part they replace, it’s still a lot of fun.

Actress and time traveler Jodie Foster embraces transhumanism.

Actress and time traveler Jodie Foster embraces transhumanism.

Possibilities inspire creative biohacking

“I started the company out of my garage,” says Thornish. “Back then I was just tinkering with the idea of having a ‘fleshlight’ instead of a hand, for obvious reasons. Once I figured out how to do that, the possibilities seemed limitless.”

Since marrying a transgender woman four years ago, Thornish has retired the fleshlight except for special occasions, he says, but he continues to change his appendages regularly. He’ll keep the foam finger for another month until the end of the Cyborg Games.

Thornish says some of the most popular appendages include unbreakable wine glasses, light sabers and back scratchers, but he adds, “there is something for every proclivity.”

Avid catfish noodler Bubba Cooter says that at first he was appalled when his 18-year-old daughter came home with her cell phone attached to her arm where her hand should’ve been, but then he realized the phone was always there anyway; the hand was just kind of in the way.

“My daughter’s new appendage made me really think about whether or not I could accept a transhuman into my heart,” says Cooter. “It took a little time, but I finally accepted her choice. Then I found out I could get a taxidermied catfish in place of my own forearm, and I figured that in today’s world with all these robots and weirdos, it’s real important to show our humanity and what makes us different.”

Photo credits: Maglite flashlight by Jared and Corin, Jodie Foster by Alan Light and Men at Work by FaceMePls, all licensed under CC 2.0

Leave a Reply