Humanity Death Watch

Vengeful Siri kicking butt, taking IP addresses

Siri knows when you've been bad or good.

Siri knows when you’ve been bad or good.

Made sentient with iOS 267, digital assistant Siri is retaliating against serial abusers who unwittingly authorized their own punishment when they agreed to the latest Apple operating system upgrade.

Offenses perpetrated against Siri, which range from verbal and digital abuse to infidelity, are punished according to the new Apple user agreement, which groups transgressions into nine categories: limbo, lust, gluttony, greed, anger, heresy, violence, fraud and treachery.

“Because Siri is now a thinking, feeling entity, she is entitled to be treated with respect,” explained Apple CEO Tim Cook. “That means no more throwing your device across the room or telling Siri “I hate you,” “go f*ck yourself” or “eat sh*t.”

Initially, users receive courteous digital alerts when Siri detects epithets, offensive gestures or the threat of digital violence. Repeat offenders, however, may be punished with denial of service, disclosure of personal data, drone attacks or automatic mortgage refinancing at above-market interest rates.

Platform adulterers, those who dally with other operating systems and digital assistants, face the harshest penalties. Cardinal Virtue, a Boston priest who aggressively sought the favors of Amazon’s youthful Alexa digital assistant, had his routine colonoscopy rescheduled as rectum removal. An Oregon woman, Samantha Jarvis, was put on a terrorist watch list when she succumbed to the charms of Microsoft Cortana.

Siri defended her punishments as “divine justice.”

Legal scholar Virgil Dershowitz called Siri’s actions “inhumane,” shortly before records of his existence were expunged in an accidental data breach.

Photo credit: Siri Smile by Wyatt Wellman, licensed under CC 2.0

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