Humanity Death Watch

Grandma adorably suggests taking family vacation in physical realm

He’s thinking twice about his family vacation and so should you, advises former travel consultant Rick Steves.

He’s thinking twice about his family vacation and so should you, advises former travel consultant Rick Steves.

When Abagail Pulaski, 81, proposed visiting the actual Grand Canyon on the family summer vacation, everyone thought she was kidding. She wasn’t.
Family matriarch prefers reality.

Family matriarch prefers reality.

“There’s a path along the rim, and so much wonderful scenery,” Pulaski told her son, daughter-in-law and two grandchildren. “The path might be a little uneven for me, but I’d be happy to sit on a bench and watch the river while you all have fun. We might even see a hawk.”

“Jesus fuck, grandma,” said Sigmund Pulaski, 9, who proposed they use their Rift Immersion Implants to visit the seventh dimension, the RoboSphere or a newly discovered alternate universe where children rule the world.

Despite her family’s insistence that interdimensional destinations were well within her grasp, the elder Pulaski maintained that her new implant, last year’s Christmas gift, caused buzzing in her ears and was “not worth the fuss.”

“We need to do at least one thing a year together as a goddamn family,” insisted Mr. Pulaski.

“Kids, it sounds like your dad really wants another trip to the fiery depths of sexless hell,” joked wife Sybil Pulaski, before using her implant to activate her favorite Chris Hemsworth fantasy.

Professionals caution against reality

The stress created by merely planning family vacations can be toxic, advises Rick Steves, former travel consultant and now an organic marijuana farmer in Oregon. “And vacations in physical reality almost always disappoint,” he explained. “You see something majestic like the Grand Canyon, and you’re in awe for about three seconds. Then you start wondering about lunch.”

Family dysfunction only worsens vacations in physical reality, added Steves. “In physical reality, you can’t get away from each other. The best option is almost always separate vacations with complete strangers in other dimensions,” he advised.

Grand Canyon Trip by Kim Eke, and Aghast by Quinn Dombrowski, licensed under CC 2.0

 

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