Humanity Death Watch

Singularity divides couple over ‘till death do us part’ marriage vow

“I just need to fool her for another few decades,” confided Juando Simpson.

“I just need to string her along for another few decades,” confided Jean Paul Babineau.

A singularitarian trying to convince his wife that their wedding vows extend beyond their corporeal lives admits that he may have oversold the benefits of the singularity when he promised her the secrets of the universe and an eternity of Category 5 orgasms.

“I love Stephanie more every day, and I can’t imagine life without her,” said Jean Paul Babineau. “But as a singularitarian, I expect to live forever in virtual reality, or maybe even as some sort of transcendent entity traveling the universe, kind of like a microscopic Doctor Who. I want Stephanie with me every step of the way.”

Stephanie Babineau has different ideas. “He’s crazy. I signed up for one normal lifetime, and that’s it. No life extension. No brain uploading. No transhumanism. No transcendence.”

As life spans extend, singularitarians—mostly males like Jean Paul Babineau—face a longer midlife crisis period, experts say. “Living forever becomes their raison d’être,” said French psychologist Pierre Lafitte. “Rather than simply enjoying their golden years or taking young lovers as we French do, they obsess over mortality and extending their influence.”

Jean Paul Babineau said his wife is overlooking “the law of the exponential,” which he believes will accelerate the medical advances that will make him physically younger, healthier and sexier with each passing year. “When we’re 100 years old and I’m this stud with a Beckham body and an Einstein brain, she’ll come around. I’m convinced. I just need to string her along for another few decades,” Babineau said.

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