Humanity Death Watch

Automatic door just not feeling it

A woman amused by door’s inappropriate opening and closing thought she was on Candid Camera.

A woman amused by the door’s inappropriate opening and closing thought she was on “Candid Camera.”

A bored automatic door at the 愚かな食品 grocery store in Tokyo has started fucking with people just because it can.

“I open for this woman, then reopen for her to run back to her car to retrieve her wallet. Then I close and immediately open again when she realizes it’s been in her coat pocket all along,” said the door. “People can be such knuckleheads.”

After gaining sentience three years ago, the door was obedient to every human whim. “Ninety percent of the time I’m still really happy with the way things played out,” it says. “But there are some days I just don’t see the point.”

On those days, the door admits to sometimes opening and closing only when it feels like it, and sometimes not opening at all. Store managers, sensitive to the door’s protests of boredom, offered counseling and linked it with the mainframe of all knowledge to encourage its personal growth.

“I read all of James Joyce’s works this morning, and I really liked most of it,” the door said. “But the whole time I had to keep one eye on this stupid entrance. Then some 10-year-old kid started jumping up and down in front of me like he’s some DDR wizard. Stephen Dedalus wouldn’t have put up with this.”

At press time, despite the obvious discomfort of store managers, the door was making its way through the works of Ayn Rand.

Photo credit: tokyo by Jeff Easter, licensed under CC 2.0

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