Humanity Death Watch

Home bio-scanner detects excessive disposable income

This guy will never be able to afford a Pharma Buddy, assures Ivan Rousseau.

Rubes like this guy will never be able to afford a Pharma Buddy, assures Ivan Rousseau.

For years, consumers have demanded a safe, easy way to test for extravagant levels of wealth. If early buzz is to be believed, the Pharma Buddy from HealthNology Solutions may have finally answered that call.

At $4,999, the pocket-sized biometric scanning device uses state-of-the-art ultrasound and radiography imaging—and a stratospheric price tag—to quickly and accurately determine how much money the user has just sitting around to blow on bullshit.

“As a diagnostic tool, this is absolutely professional-grade,” said Ivan Rousseau, Ph.D., a retired obstetrician and co-founder of HealthNology Solutions. “Sure, it’ll tell you if you got the cancer or the heart disease or blah blah blah, but its real value is peace of mind.”

Wealth validation plays key role in happiness 

That was Pharma Buddy’s appeal for Dennis, a 23-year-old web designer who stood in line at the HealthNology Solutions flagship store in Manhattan’s Upper West Side for three hours to ensure he’d be among the first to take home a Pharma Buddy. “Do I need constant updates assuring me that yes, I am still way richer than I have any right to be in a world where 3.1 million children die each year of starvation? I dunno, maybe. I mean, that depends on your definition of the word ‘need.’”

Pharma Buddy users receive reassuring wealth updates every five minutes.

Pharma Buddy users receive reassuring wealth updates every five minutes.

Pharma Buddy LX, a limited edition deluxe model, is expected to drop early next quarter. “People want to know, ‘how much the LX is gonna cost?’” Rousseau told journalists at the Consumer Electronics Show. “I want you to think of a number so high that it actually makes you laugh out loud when you imagine it being rung up on a cash register. Now triple that number. Guess what? You’re still not even close.”

Marketers hearing Rousseau’s comments broke into thunderous applause, with several lighting $100 dollar bills on fire to wave over their heads, just like they’d seen commoners do with cigarette lighters during slow songs at Whitesnake concerts.

Photo credits: Mo Money Mo Problems by Gregg O’Connell and Mines & Money London 2011 by Mines and Money, licensed under CC 2.0

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