Humanity Death Watch

New iPhone design causes seizures of excitement

Shoppers await “the most important event since the discovery of fire.”

As feared by many, pandemonium broke out across major cities of the world this morning with the release of the new Apple iPhone NanoVerse LMN-0P. Some injuries were reported due to pushing and shoving, however, medical officials were more concerned about the hundreds of shoppers who suffered seizures of excitement upon holding the new device.

The size of a large pack of gum, the new phone’s intelligent nano-plastic case is designed to catch the light in a way that mesmerizes its owner, then literally reshape itself to fit the user’s hand.

Wielding an unprecedented 250 terabytes of data memory, the phone boasts instant and ubiquitous Internet access on its own satellite network, a lifelike holographic display and no-touch control system. Users manipulate the device with their thoughts.

Owners everywhere are eligible for 50 free bonus video games and 10,000 tracks of previously unreleased songs by reconstructed Top 40 artists. Texas residents are eligible for an additional upgrade to enable open-carry thermonuclear capabilities.

Apple CEO Tim Cook called the new iPhone “a watershed in the evolution of humanity. I’m not (expletive deleted) kidding. This is the most important event since the discovery of fire.”

Journalists, investors and technologists gathered at a launch event in Cupertino seemed to agree with Cook’s assessment, with several experiencing their own seizures of ecstasy.

Photo credit: Argentina’s fourth penalty is stopped by the German goalie by Moazzam Brohi, licensed under CC 2.0

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