Humanity Death Watch

With death and disease erased, many humans going full-on Elvis

Gluttony1Traditional humans are embracing the consumption of all the things that would’ve slowly killed them decades ago, say researchers around the globe.

Sales of tobacco, red meat, pork rinds, Little Debbie snacks and grain alcohol have skyrocketed since humans began embracing the use of nanomedibots, the microscopic machines that constantly work inside human bodies to repair imperfect DNA, abnormal cells and destroy harmful buildup like arterial plaque and tar on the lungs.

“I feel like I can really be myself again, after all this time,” says 86-year-old Fred Fingerlinger, who is back to smoking three packs of Camels a day after giving up cigarettes 50 years ago.

Why the hell not?

Gluttony2Fingerlinger says a big reason he curbed his bad lifestyle habits was to avoid disease and premature death. Now that the ill effects of his favorite vices have been eradicated, he’s back to enjoying life to its fullest.

“I’m just glad I lived long enough to get to enjoy life’s real pleasures again,” said Fingerlinger. “It’s not just about the smokes for me. It’s really about the freedom and lack of consequences.”

While many humans are dismayed at their biological brethren’s hedonistic lifestyle, including  smoking, drinking heavily and eating refined sugar at every chance, others are jumping on the gluttonous bandwagon and are often seen wearing t-shirts with the slogan, “Why the hell not!?”

Nanomedibot pioneer and Copley Medal winner Yolanda Knob said she never intended her life-saving nanobots to be used as a get out of jail free card.

“The nanobots were built to obliterate devastating diseases, including cancer, diabetes and auto-immune disorders, and to help people maintain their ideal weight. They have been very successful. I guess I forgot that humans have historically shown a penchant for being addicts and gormandizers,” said Knob. “My bad.”

The fact that biological humans have always been pleasure seekers may even be the primary difference between them and the artificially intelligent creatures that now roam the earth in ever expanding numbers. AI’s are, so far, even impervious to the smell of frying bacon.

Fingerlinger appreciates that difference. “At first I was scared of all this new technology. But I’m okay now knowing that no superior beings are going to take away my steak or Vicodin,” he said.

Gluttony by Morgan and The Three Stages of Post-Gluttony by Andrew Currie, licensed under CC 2.0

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