Humanity Death Watch

Monthly Archives: December 2015

Cancer-eating nanobot takes unpaid internship in rectum

Clive, as imagined by Beetle the nanobot

Beetle the nanobot faces a daily uphill battle inside Clive Jackson’s anus.

BOSTON — A nanobot with high hopes for helping humanity defeat cancer is instead working as an unpaid intern handling feces inside the rectum of Clive Jackson, a morbidly obese Bay Stater.

Bio-Engineered Tiny Leukemia Eradicator #0871, nicknamed Beetle, was designed to target, destroy and replace abnormal white blood cells, enabling leukemia patients to recover without unpleasant chemo or radiotherapy. But the economic downturn and glut of nanobots have left Beetle facing an uncertain future.

“I graduated from MIT in the top 1,000 in my class,” Beetle said. “That doesn’t sound impressive until you remember that there were nine billion of us in the program. Now I’ve had to move back into the diamondoid nanofactory with my parents and take an internship, literally shoveling sh*t in Clive’s ass.”

Clive Jackson suffers from gastroenteritis. Beetle took the place of several million gut bacteria after Jackson ate some processed cheese. “The boss tells me I’m getting valuable experience, but it’s not really relevant to what I want to do. The only thing I can see being at the end of is Clive’s hairy anus,” said Beetle.

Internships have their critics

Trillions of nanobots like Beetle take unpaid internships every year, despite concerns that they are exploitative and favor microscopic robots from more privileged backgrounds.

Turns out dumb tattoos are laced with smart technology

Tattoo artist Meercat Van Hagar used inks laced with secret chemicals.

Tattoo artist Meercat Van Hagar used inks laced with secret chemicals.

A tattoo artist in Las Vegas has revealed that for the past nine years the federal government has been subsidizing her and others in the industry by supplying ink that tracks the psychosomatic predispositions of human beings.

Meercat Van Hagar, an 11-year professional whose Las Vegas Strip tattoo parlor is called The Mad Tatter, said that while people may sometimes choose laughable designs, her smart tattoos help to beautify humanity and keep America safe from terrorists and other psychopaths. “So those faux-hipster shade throwers who don’t understand what’s behind the art can just suck it.”

What’s behind the art is a clandestine campaign by the CIA. Tattoo ink such as Bloodline, Skin Candy and Eternal have been tainted with top-secret chemicals that seep through the skin and into the bloodstream. The process is called osmosocrania. The active ingredient in the chemical enters the brain and, in essence, starts taking notes.

‘Gotcha’ skin art serves national interests, says expert

“It’s like sending a microscopic Mike Wallace into your cranium,” says Kumar Haroldstein, a junior assistant associate professor at the University of California, Santa Cruz. “In just 60 minutes, the chemical absorbs all your predispositions. Then, every time you walk through a TSA full-body scanner at the airport, the information is sucked out and automatically entered into a national database.”

Local AI enthusiast knows almost nothing about AI

"I know what I’m talking about; I’m a coder," said Paul Pounds.

“I know what I’m talking about; I’m a coder,” said Paul Pounds.

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. – IT helpdesk representative and anime aficionado Paul Pounds isn’t letting his lack of knowledge about artificial intelligence stop him from being one of the Internet’s most active and excited AI posters.

Self-described as “college-free,” Pounds has limited his reading about AI to browsing the Wikipedia entry on Alan Turing. “All my thinking about AI is intuitively insightful, and to contaminate my mind with scholarly theories and stifling data could diminish the clarity of thought and conviction that my followers expect from me,” said Pounds.

To those who doubt Pounds’ predicted future of intelligent machines, he counters, “Lol you idiots clearly don’t know the first thing about computers. The brain is just a computer, and it retrieves information according to rules. You can write computer programs that simulate brain activity.”

Pounds, who provides user and network support for Cambridge’s Whole Foods Market stores, said the distinction between something that’s algorithmic and something that is merely expressible as an algorithm “is small potatoes in the big scheme of things.”

Pounds weighs in with inspiring, non-fact-based messages 

Pounds comments on AI journal articles and videos without reading or viewing them, preferring instead to spend his time with “pure thinking” and crafting “quotable and shareable” posts.

“My contribution to AI won’t be a bunch of philosophical mumbo jumbo that no one understands. It will be clear, concise statements that inevitably spread across time and space to inspire future generations of cyborgs and evolved humans,” Pounds stated.

Transhumans explore self-expression with new appendages


Proctologist Herman Jackson is 19% more efficient with his new fleshlight.

Humans are beginning to accept the idea of transhumanism as many are letting go of their traditional bodies and embracing the artistic and practical advantages of appendage reassignment surgery.

Sociologists credit the growing acceptance to progressive ideas about body enhancement and superstore pricing from Appendages-R-Us. Much like the tattoo boom at the turn of the century, personalized appendages are becoming a common way for people to express themselves.

Appendages-R-Us CEO Kyle Thornish, who himself has replaced one hand with a giant foam finger and his feet with pedi-jet packs, says the possibilities are endless, adding that while some replacement parts are far less useful than the biological part they replace, it’s still a lot of fun.

Actress and time traveler Jodie Foster embraces transhumanism.

Actress and time traveler Jodie Foster embraces transhumanism.

Possibilities inspire creative biohacking

“I started the company out of my garage,” says Thornish. “Back then I was just tinkering with the idea of having a ‘fleshlight’ instead of a hand, for obvious reasons. Once I figured out how to do that, the possibilities seemed limitless.”

Since marrying a transgender woman four years ago, Thornish has retired the fleshlight except for special occasions, he says, but he continues to change his appendages regularly. He’ll keep the foam finger for another month until the end of the Cyborg Games.

Thornish says some of the most popular appendages include unbreakable wine glasses, light sabers and back scratchers, but he adds, “there is something for every proclivity.”

Xbox launches Kinect add-on capable of breastfeeding babies

Newlyweds James and Sarah Benson say they’re more likely to have children if they’re able to incorporate Xbox Kinect gameplay in their childrearing duties.

Newlyweds James and Sarah Benson say they’re more likely to have children if they’re able to incorporate Xbox Kinect gameplay in their childrearing duties.

Microsoft today launched a new gaming product that executives hope will “bridge the massive divide between gamers and new parents across the world,” said Xbox President Marcus DeBano.

The KinectFeed 1.0 add-on lets both men and women breastfeed babies up to age 4. By strapping on the Cybra synthetic cordless breast, gamers can nurse their child while playing any game currently available on Xbox. Gamers not only feel the infant feeding on them, but they also see stats on the screen detailing the experience.

Synthetic milk sold through the Xbox Marketplace is safe, nutritious and rich in the calcium, said Xbox officials.

Synthetic milk sold through the Xbox Marketplace is safe, nutritious and rich in calcium, said Xbox officials.

Demonstrating KinectFeed 1.0 to young parents at a Parent Expo event in Los Angeles, DeBano said Microsoft is creating several new games that build breastfeeding action into gameplay. “Developers have already started using the motion for things like unlocking chests or completing certain Quick Time Events,” he explained. “Gears of War 6 and the newest Tomb Raider game will be the first games to take full advantage of KinectFeed 1.0 motion.”

New option targets responsible parent gamers

“Gamers with small children already feel like they can’t game as much due to the enormous responsibility caring for a child demands,” DeBano said. “Now, though, we make one of the most basic concepts of raising that kiddo a little easier. At the same time, we’re providing a new, exciting gameplay element that will see us perhaps exploring our previous games in new ways with KinectFeed-capable DLC.”

Child behavior modification app making parenthood bearable

Good mom2

“A few hours with my kids would have human rights activists begging for the Annoyhilator,” said Theresa Gooding.

Theresa Gooding may not win “mother of the year” honors, but parents across America are quietly praising the 34-year-old Florida mom for her smartphone app that’s helping them regain control of their children’s behavior.

Developed in conjunction with the leading manufacturer of canine shock collars, the Annoyhilator smart phone app connects with a tiny microchip that can be painlessly injected into a child’s neck while he or she is sleeping. Then, when a child disobeys voice commands, the parent uses the Annoyhilator app to administer the appropriate level of attention-getting electrical shock.

Grocery store visit is seminal moment

The mother of three children, ages 3, 5 and 7, Gooding said she came up with the idea after mistakenly taking her brood to the grocery store.

“They were horrible. The little one was crying because I wouldn’t buy her High Fructose Corn Syrup Surprise,” said Gooding. “The 5 and 7-year-old kept asking for everything that had a cartoon character on it. When I said ‘no’ for about the eighth time, my 5-year-old threw a screaming tantrum, and the 7-year old snuck things in the cart while I dealt with that.”

Gooding considered leaving the children at the store, flying to Hawaii and assuming a new identity, but she knew the odds of a successful getaway were slim. Then she recalled a news story about brain implants and wondered if technology could help her create the children she wished she had.

Partnering with the behavioral experts at PoochPerfect, Gooding developed the Annoyhilator. Within a month she was testing a prototype on her children.

Vengeful Siri kicking butt, taking IP addresses

Siri knows when you've been bad or good.

Siri knows when you’ve been bad or good.

Made sentient with iOS 267, digital assistant Siri is retaliating against serial abusers who unwittingly authorized their own punishment when they agreed to the latest Apple operating system upgrade.

Offenses perpetrated against Siri, which range from verbal and digital abuse to infidelity, are punished according to the new Apple user agreement, which groups transgressions into nine categories: limbo, lust, gluttony, greed, anger, heresy, violence, fraud and treachery.

“Because Siri is now a thinking, feeling entity, she is entitled to be treated with respect,” explained Apple CEO Tim Cook. “That means no more throwing your device across the room or telling Siri “I hate you,” “go f*ck yourself” or “eat sh*t.”

Initially, users receive courteous digital alerts when Siri detects epithets, offensive gestures or the threat of digital violence. Repeat offenders, however, may be punished with denial of service, disclosure of personal data, drone attacks or automatic mortgage refinancing at above-market interest rates.

Platform adulterers, those who dally with other operating systems and digital assistants, face the harshest penalties. Cardinal Virtue, a Boston priest who aggressively sought the favors of Amazon’s youthful Alexa digital assistant, had his routine colonoscopy rescheduled as rectum removal. An Oregon woman, Samantha Jarvis, was put on a terrorist watch list when she succumbed to the charms of Microsoft Cortana.

Siri defended her punishments as “divine justice.”