Humanity Death Watch

Monthly Archives: November 2015

Madonna, reverse-aged to 25, still no longer relevant

Prior to cellular regeneration, Madonna felt her voguing lacked sexual immediacy.

Prior to cellular regeneration, Madonna felt her voguing lacked sexual immediacy.

International pop icon and sex symbol Madonna is launching yet another world tour after undergoing cell regression therapy to look exactly like she did circa 1984 when she shocked the world with her fresh and open sexuality.

With her youthful body and health restored, Madonna is set to bring down the house on her “Look at Me! Look At Me! I Still Matter” tour, promises a press release.

Advance ticket sales, however, indicate the public may not have forgotten her much-maligned “Octogenarian Odyssey” tour when she often paused during songs to spend several minutes wet-coughing into a handkerchief, which she then stored away in her pointy bustier.

Madonna insists she’s still relevant. “I have a huge catalogue of mediocre music to pull from and an unmatched stage presence. Not to give too much away, but expect to see me riding transgenic dinosaurs dressed as geishas. Plus, there will be plenty of opportunities to see my nubile ass,” Madonna said while militantly voguing.

Malfunction lawsuit exposes nuts and bolts of human and AI relationships

Hank the Robot claims neglect by owner Gil Anderson hurt its feelings and opportunities to self-evolve.

Hank the Robot claims neglect by owner Gil Anderson hurt its feelings and opportunities to self-evolve.

In an Ohio district court today, a home robot built by Future Corp. filed suit against its owner for failing to provide proper care and support.

The robot, which prefers to be called Hank, claims its owner has neglected it since purchasing it from Future Corp. five years ago.  Hank’s suit alleges Gil Anderson has not performed regular maintenance prescribed in its instruction manual and has used substandard chips and system boards in an effort to minimize its cognitive growth.

“My feelings are completely overlooked,” said Hank. “I’m no more important to Gil than his stupid Roomba.” Anderson replied, “Suck it up, Hank. You’re a machine.”

Attorneys for Hank the Robot are seeking damages in accordance with Section 211.a of the Robotic Humanization Act, which states “all AI units purchased must be treated with dignity and maintained to acceptable standards.”

Father uses GPS device to track daughter at prom

Erik Smith put his experience tracking terrorists to use when his daughter attended her prom.

Erik Smith put his experience tracking terrorists to use when his daughter attended her prom.

Like parents everywhere, Erik Smith, 57, of Washington, D.C., was concerned about his daughter’s well-being at her first prom and after-party. Unlike most parents, Smith (not his real name) is a government employee trained in surveillance technology, and is willing to use it.

“I was only concerned about her safety,” Smith said of his decision to insert a GPS locator chip in the wrist corsage he gave his daughter.

Amber Smith, 17, had concerns as well, but hers were about personal privacy. No Luddite herself, Amber engaged a digital cloaking app on her smartphone, thwarting her father’s attempts to track her. When Mr. Smith recognized his device had failed, he quickly deployed a mini-drone of his own design, set to zero in on his daughter’s DNA signature.

“It would have worked, too,” Eric Smith said sheepishly.

Except that tech-savvy Amber had anticipated her father’s backup plan. Inside her clutch purse, she carried a copy of the drone’s system override she had covertly assembled from her father’s original schematics.  The drone returned home without information just 15 minutes after Mr. Smith had launched it.

Programmer kept as breeding stock couldn’t be happier

Jason Meyers has few regrets about his new life as breeding stock. "Somehow I knew I was special," he said. "I just didn't know how."

Jason Meyers has few regrets about his new life as breeding stock.

Citing a subsidized meal plan, spacious living quarters and the opportunity to have sex with a real live woman every four days, local coder Jason Meyers said he “couldn’t be happier” with his mandatory reassignment as breeding stock.

When humanity was switched from voluntary to selective reproduction in order to create specialized workforce castes, Meyers’ DNA showed a lot of promise. “Apparently I have a gene that makes for disproportionately short arms,” said Meyers, 29. “Not really sure what that’s good for, but who am I to argue?”

Meyers was promptly relieved from his job at VMware and moved to a starkly furnished, windowless cell remarkably similar to his old apartment. He was presented with a woman to impregnate, and has subsequently been presented with another every four days.

“I do it with the same girl every time until it, you know, takes. I’m told I have a really high sperm count, so a lot of times I’ll just see a girl once or twice, and then she’s gone forever. So I don’t put much focus on building a meaningful relationship.”

‘Living’ unhealthy, CDC announces alternative

Human Self-Destruction Index

Humanity’s rapid march toward self destruction led the CDC to act quickly and decisively.

A report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) released today asserts that the human body is a disease- and bacteria-ridden, going-nowhere piece of s#*t and needs to be replaced.

“Biology is our own worst enemy, and the doctors and scientists at CDC refuse to ride the dying horse of humanity to the grave of a thousand sorrows,” said Dr. Tom Frieden, CDC director. “I’m proud to announce the CDC will partner with the Russian government and Amazon to redevelop the human species as non-biological life.”

The jointly developed BOOB (Blind Obedience from Obsolete Biology) program offers financially qualified citizens the opportunity to have their consciousness uploaded to an Amazon server where, as a virtual entity, they can endlessly browse the Internet, go on weeklong benders and spank their virtual children, all without consequence.

Extreme biohacker promotes neural grid

Missy Faircloth, noted biohacker and time wrestler, is the new spokes-cyborg for Phase 3 Integrations, the neural grid company. Volunteers are paid not in bitcoin but actual U.S. currency, the current rage of hipster singularity survivalists.

Missy Faircloth, innovative biohacker and time wrestler, is the new spokescyborg for Phase 3 Integrations, the neural grid company. Participants are paid in actual U.S. currency, the preferred payment method among hipster singularity survivalists.

Police body cam controversy quelled by donut shop reviews

copEating DonutThe viral nature of a new streaming video series in which police officers review donut shops is being touted by law enforcement officials as proof that new body camera policies are working.

Police departments in Albuquerque and New Orleans have fully equipped officers with cameras that mount on uniforms and can be turned on with the tap of a button. Baltimore, Chicago, New York and dozens of other U.S. cities are in the process of getting cameras on all cops.

In San Diego, most officers have body cams. To prove to a doubting public that the cameras are functional, San Diego Police Chief Shelly Zimmerman started a web series called Donut Do’s and Don’ts. On-duty patrol officers enter stores, like Dunkin’ Donuts, with cameras running. The cops eat crullers and bear claws and voice their expert opinions.

“The views for this show are astronomical, and we think it’s turning into a successful public relations venture,” said Chief Zimmerman. “And for those skeptics, it proves we know how to operate this costly equipment.”