Humanity Death Watch

Cognitively enhanced babies no longer falling for parents’ tired tricks

Enhanced babies are naturally drawn to porn and investment banking, parents say.

Enhanced babies are naturally drawn to porn and investment banking, parents say.

Pioneering parents who opted to try the controversial prenatal version of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology’s Cognitive Enhancement Upgrade, or CEU, which was developed to greatly increase human mental capacity, are reporting their newborns behave like some kind of baby-teen hybrid.

While ethicists insist that altering the brains of the unborn is detestable, evolutionary biologists claim the enhancements are necessary if humans are going to avoid being outpaced by artificial intelligence.

Expectant mom Sarah Gaggle agreed with the latter group, and began taking the daily cognitive enhancement capsule along with her prenatal vitamins.

Now, Gaggle’s baby, Sven, who is only 9-months old, is giving her serious attitude, she says.

‘He’s like Holden Caulfield in diapers,’ says mom

“It’s like he skipped the wonderment of babyhood and went straight to being a sullen teenager,” said Gaggle. “He rolls his eyes when I try to get him to eat with the ‘airplane in the hangar’ game, and when I start playing peek-a-boo with him he just crawls into his room and tries to slam the door. Worst of all, even though he can’t talk yet, I swear sometimes his babble sounds like he’s saying ‘I hate you’.”

Though parents report being disappointed with their so-called CEB-ies, or Cognitively Enhanced Babies, scientists are fascinated to see two major points of human development occurring at once.

MIT professor Alfonse Dingo said even though CEB-ies brains will develop faster, they’ll still have to develop muscle control in real time, meaning they will keep classic baby attributes like drooling and indiscriminately urinating and defecating, especially at the worst possible times. Still, the goal of cognitive development researchers, Dingo said, was that children as young as 1-year-old be able to do things like read and do basic math in their heads.

“The expectation is that by the time children reach the age of 5 or 6, they’re ready to publish their first book or even build their own working robots. If we can’t keep up with the AIs, we are as doomed as the dodo bird and VHS tapes,” said Dingo.

Gaggle says she doesn’t care about any of that now. She’s just looking forward to the day when little Sven is potty-trained so that he doesn’t throw a screaming-red-faced tantrum every time they go buy the diapers he needs but is devastatingly embarrassed to be seen in.

Photo credit: Business Baby Pointing by Paul Inkles, licensed under CC 2.0

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