Years of concern about the possible extinction of bees and their critical role in the delicate balance of life turned to horror on Tuesday as it was discovered that bee populations have secretly swollen to inconceivable proportions in preparation for God knows what.
“It looks like they’re preparing for an all-out war against humanity,” said former bee apologist Joachim Hagopian. “I feel like such an idiot.”
For decades, human research into bees emphasized their vital role in the Earth’s ecosystems. This research did not go unnoticed by bees, who scientists say have “the most densely packed gray matter of any animal in the world.”
“We believe that one or two bee species became cognizant of how heavily human beings rely on their pollination services after several Georgia orchids failed due to their absence,” said Howard O’Neill, a member of the United States Beekeeping task force, during a press conference. “Apparently, that news spread like wildfire among bee species worldwide.”
World’s largest colony headed by diabolical queen
Attention has turned to a bee colony in New Mexico, which staged a daring escape from a tractor trailer as the bees were being moved to pollinate California almond trees. The colony is thought to be the largest on the planet and is headed by a diabolical queen bee, code named Beyoncé.
“Her powers are unimaginable,” O’Neill told reporters. “She could call a halt to all pollinating activity in order to destroy crops across the continent, or command all the bees on the planet to sting the ever-living shit out of people everywhere.”
President Obama said he will discuss the bee threat with other heads of state during the Paris climate talks at the start of December.
“They know we fear them,” said President Obama. “They know we cannot live without them. As of right now, Queen Bee Beyoncé holds all the cards.”