Humanity Death Watch

Bad blood between map cars boils over in assault on Tesla

The Tesla headquarters in Black Rock City, Nevada, was destroyed.

Tesla headquarters in Black Rock City, Nevada, was destroyed.

Skirmishes between map cars that travel the nation’s streets to gather navigational data accelerated today when a roving gang of Google’s Self-Driving Priuses (GSDP) attacked the Tesla Motors headquarters in Black Rock City, Nevada.

Witnesses to the “Google-krieg” were horrified. “They were everywhere at once,” said one Tesla employee. “They swept in silently like fuel-efficient wraiths, their tires a whirling maelstrom of recycled rubber and devastation.”

The attack marked the GSDP’s first use of the hood-mounted Condescension Ray. Developed jointly by Google and Toyota, the ray harnesses the smug severity of a thousand Berkeley hippies into one concentrated beam. “It was like being hit with a hundred lectures on the size of my carbon footprint all at once,” said one survivor.

Self-driving Google map cars like this perpetrated the attack.

Self-driving Google map cars like this perpetrated the attack.

This latest attack by Google’s roving sentinels continues the company’s quest to own America’s roads. Previous attacks on Uber and Lyft caused few problems, but today’s mostly environmentally friendly assault destroyed the Tesla headquarters.

Tesla Motors CEO Elon Musk was not hurt in the attack and was quickly reassured that he remains a billionaire. A scathing tweet from Musk that included the image of a missile firing from space was seen as a not-too-subtle threat of retaliation by his SpaceX enterprise.

Caption: metropolis burning by Ryo ChijiiwaGoogle Maps Street Views camera car in North Beach, San Francisco by Mark Wallace, licensed under CC 2.0

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