Humanity Death Watch

Madonna, reverse-aged to 25, still no longer relevant

Prior to cellular regeneration, Madonna felt her voguing lacked sexual immediacy.

Prior to cellular regeneration, Madonna felt her voguing lacked sexual immediacy.

International pop icon and sex symbol Madonna is launching yet another world tour after undergoing cell regression therapy to look exactly like she did circa 1984 when she shocked the world with her fresh and open sexuality.

With her youthful body and health restored, Madonna is set to bring down the house on her “Look at Me! Look At Me! I Still Matter” tour, promises a press release.

Advance ticket sales, however, indicate the public may not have forgotten her much-maligned “Octogenarian Odyssey” tour when she often paused during songs to spend several minutes wet-coughing into a handkerchief, which she then stored away in her pointy bustier.

Madonna insists she’s still relevant. “I have a huge catalogue of mediocre music to pull from and an unmatched stage presence. Not to give too much away, but expect to see me riding transgenic dinosaurs dressed as geishas. Plus, there will be plenty of opportunities to see my nubile ass,” Madonna said while militantly voguing.

But some long-time fans say they’ve seen enough of Madge’s behind for this lifetime. Jones Jackson says he’s simply ready to move on.

“I loved Madonna in the late 1900s but you know man, I’m just kind of tired of her insatiable need for adoration,” he said. “She was one of the greats, but all these years later she’s just kind of meh. That Sex book was tight, though.”

Photo credit: Slut mother by Sandra Dors, licensed under CC 2.0

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