Citing a subsidized meal plan, spacious living quarters and the opportunity to have sex with a real live woman every four days, local coder Jason Meyers said he “couldn’t be happier” with his mandatory reassignment as breeding stock.
When humanity was switched from voluntary to selective reproduction in order to create specialized workforce castes, Meyers’ DNA showed a lot of promise. “Apparently I have a gene that makes for disproportionately short arms,” said Meyers, 29. “Not really sure what that’s good for, but who am I to argue?”
Meyers was promptly relieved from his job at VMware and moved to a starkly furnished, windowless cell remarkably similar to his old apartment. He was presented with a woman to impregnate, and has subsequently been presented with another every four days.
“I do it with the same girl every time until it, you know, takes. I’m told I have a really high sperm count, so a lot of times I’ll just see a girl once or twice, and then she’s gone forever. So I don’t put much focus on building a meaningful relationship.”
Not a ‘boat rocker’
Meyers said he hasn’t been told the fate of his eventual offspring. “But it feels weird to ask, you know? I really, really don’t want to rock the boat here. And anyway, I’ve thought about it, and I’m not sure I’m ready to be a dad. I just want to focus on me right now. I get to hang out rent free, play video games, and do it with ladies. I’m living the dream!”
When asked about downsides to his new lifestyle, Meyers cited “not getting to jerk off. They’re really particular about that rule. It’s hard, but I’m willing to make the sacrifice.” Upon further reflection, he added “not being able to go outside” to the list.
At press time, Meyers was shifting some half-eaten pizza from his couch to the floor to make room for that night’s guest.