A report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) released today asserts that the human body is a disease- and bacteria-ridden, going-nowhere piece of s#*t and needs to be replaced.
“Biology is our own worst enemy, and the doctors and scientists at CDC refuse to ride the dying horse of humanity to the grave of a thousand sorrows,” said Dr. Tom Frieden, CDC director. “I’m proud to announce the CDC will partner with the Russian government and Amazon to redevelop the human species as non-biological life.”
The jointly developed BOOB (Blind Obedience from Obsolete Biology) program offers financially qualified citizens the opportunity to have their consciousness uploaded to an Amazon server where, as a virtual entity, they can endlessly browse the Internet, go on weeklong benders and spank their virtual children, all without consequence.
BOOB gets firm support
Russian President Vladimir Putin’s ability to act quickly, unconstrained by the inconveniences of human rights and national sovereignty, made CDC’s defection to Russia the right decision, said Frieden.
“We are dealing with a species that won’t even wash its hands after going to the bathroom. If we waited for the U.S. government to do something, humans would disappear and the CDC would wind up like those poor bastards at the Postal Service just waiting for technology and Congress to finish them off.”
In Russia, BOOB will avoid the wishy-washiness of unbridled democracy and benefit from the natural cooling temperatures of Siberia, where Amazon will locate its servers.
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos said his company’s cloud computing platform is the right match for maintaining virtual humanity. Amazon Prime members will enjoy faster processing speeds and no ad pop-ups while they navigate their new world, he added.
Wall Street analysts concerned that Amazon might become profitable were reassured by Bezos that BOOB would not impact the company’s ability to lose money.