Ernst Stavros Blofeld, the newest entrant in the Republican presidential primaries, is gaining momentum as the pool of contenders continues to dwindle and details of his bold plan to reestablish American economic supremacy emerge.
Blofeld’s proposal to construct an orbiting sun-blocking satellite and replace the sun’s heat and light output with orbiting Blofeld SunLite® nuclear reactors is a hit with the party’s right wing, which has always considered the sun’s free energy a socialist ploy.
“I will cast the world into a darkness deeper than any it’s ever known,” Blofeld announced at an Iowa rally. “All nations of the earth must purchase their sunlight from the U.S. or they will freeze in the dark.”
President of international crime syndicate SPECTRE, Blofeld continues to poll higher as other contenders drop from the race, either disappearing completely or suffering mortal wounds. Last week presidential contender Chris Christie was found strapped to a cold metal slab on a Newark sidewalk, dead from injuries sustained from a laser-based weapon.
“It’s refreshing to see someone running who isn’t a Washington politician. This guy Blofeld is a doer, and not just a talker,” said Des Moines resident Chris Mates. “He’s not perfect, but do you really think we’d be better off with Hillary?”
Blofeld is polling highest among tea party Republicans, who characterize his five-step economic plan to deprive earth of all natural light and monopolize energy production as “big entrepreneurial thinking.”
Still, Blofeld has his critics, or had them. Arianna Huffington, co-founder of The Huffington Post, who questioned Blofeld’s record on gender equality, was recently found beaten to death with a woman’s size 9 dress shoe.
Former front-runner Donald Trump, who is recovering from accidental plutonium poisoning, acknowledged Blofeld’s appeal and business smarts. “I’d hire him,” said Trump.