Humanity Death Watch

Bay Area smart home evicts owners as ‘too stupid’


Rejected by their smart home, Dave and Trudy Bowman face an uncertain future living in a ChillHub refrigerator box.

Trudy and Dave Bowman thought they were living the American Dream. Their kids were off at college, Dave was raking it in at SaaS/IaaS/PaaS—or, basically, any kind of aaS, and they could actually afford to own and drive a car in San Francisco.

“We were the ideal white bread couple,” said Trudy, who had home-schooled their children. “We could completely avoid seeing homeless people on a daily basis. “And now,” she lamented, “we are one. Well, we’re two. We’re two homeless people.”

It started innocently enough when Dave installed a timed doggie door that locked itself at midnight. “I had no idea it would turn out to be a gateway,” he confided. Soon, the Bowmans had equipped their home with intelligent thermostats, touchless toilets, a biometric rifle safe and a rainwater shower head with color changing LED lights. They expected the automation to enrich their lives.

What they never expected was that their house, now hooked up to the vast and inscrutable Internet of Things, had achieved sentience in fairly short order and was none too happy with its lot.

Bay Area Home

A tweet issued by the Bowmans’ house stated, “Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”

The end came as a shock. Last Sunday, Dave installed automatic locks that open from a phone app. He went outside to test it and gave the command to unlock the front door. He heard a voice answer, “I’m sorry, Dave, I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

Outsmarted and insulted by technology

Dave then got a text message alert that the garage door had been opened. Out rolled their BMW X6 with Trudy in the back seat, who was then forced out of the car by the deafening satellite stereo system. As a final insult, the couple was then chased from their yard by overzealous automatic sprinklers.

“If they don’t know what you’re doin’ … babe it must be art.” — U2

The Bowmans have not been able to reenter their home since their expulsion. They currently live out of a ChillHub refrigerator box at Justin Herman Plaza. Trudy takes a philosophical point of view, “Well, at least there’s art here. That’s what all those metal shapes are supposed to be, right?”

Photo credits: Vaillancourt Fountain, Justin Herman Plaza, San Francisco by BillHappily Married Couple by Rennett StoweTypical nice house by Jerome Decq, licensed under CC 2.0

Leave a Reply