God, the Timeless, Omnipotent, Omniscient Author of the Universe, spoke to humanity directly yesterday for the first time in almost 2,000 years, admitting that It had no hand in creating any of the organisms on planet Earth, except for septuagenarian zoologist Richard Dawkins.
The message, broadcast yesterday at midnight EST, lasted approximately 190 seconds and was received simultaneously inside the heads of every human being on Earth in their native languages, presented commercial-free by Coca-Cola.
Sleeping adults were jolted awake and moving vehicles temporarily safely immobilized by invisible bonds as the Almighty confessed that life on Earth arose almost entirely via mindless processes of mutation and natural selection, exactly as evolutionary biologists have long said.
“I made space and time and junk,” said God, whose vocal fry shook oceans and whose slightest intonation reduced grown adults to tears. “But everything else, like, just sort of happened on its own, y’know? It wasn’t until 1940 that I actually made anything on Earth, and that was my beloved Richard.”
The Lord continued, “I made him entirely fresh. Just for no other purpose than for him to know and love me, really. That’s his function in life. I divinely inspired his work on atheism and science as a way to let the rest of you know that you’re sort of here by accident, basically. When he dies he’ll be with me for eternity.”
When asked about humanity’s fate by correspondent Huw Edwards of the BBC, the only media outlet authorized to communicate directly with God, the Author of Eternal Salvation responded, “Well, I don’t wanna give out any spoilers but maybe, like, make the most of this life, okay?”
Following God’s proclamation, Professor Dawkins tweeted incoherently for nine consecutive hours but otherwise was unavailable for comment.