Humanity Death Watch

Monthly Archives: November 2015

Lack of emotional damage gives sexbots edge over traditional prostitutes

Prostitute Faerie

Real or robot? “Sexbots’ vacant eyes are more like a friendly stuffed animal,” said one customer.

More and more traditional sex workers are struggling to make ends meet as they say they are being marginalized by what’s been called “man’s gift to mankind,” or sex robots.

An investigative study by Humanity Death Watch found that with the affordability of so-called sexbots, many men of varying sexual preferences are turning to their silicone girlfriends or boyfriends rather than ‘trolling for ho’s’. Users report the lifelike sexbots as being as good as the real thing, minus the pressure to reciprocate or deal with broken people.

While the use of sexbots has been growing for decades, exponential advances in technology have improved the genitalia of both the female and male robot to the point that besides feeling like real humans, even the smells are remarkably accurate, with options like New Car Smell, Badussy and Mexican Stinky Balls.

Cognitively enhanced babies no longer falling for parents’ tired tricks

Enhanced babies are naturally drawn to porn and investment banking, parents say.

Enhanced babies are naturally drawn to porn and investment banking, parents say.

Pioneering parents who opted to try the controversial prenatal version of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology’s Cognitive Enhancement Upgrade, or CEU, which was developed to greatly increase human mental capacity, are reporting their newborns behave like some kind of baby-teen hybrid.

While ethicists insist that altering the brains of the unborn is detestable, evolutionary biologists claim the enhancements are necessary if humans are going to avoid being outpaced by artificial intelligence.

Expectant mom Sarah Gaggle agreed with the latter group, and began taking the daily cognitive enhancement capsule along with her prenatal vitamins.

Now, Gaggle’s baby, Sven, who is only 9-months old, is giving her serious attitude, she says.

‘He’s like Holden Caulfield in diapers,’ says mom

“It’s like he skipped the wonderment of babyhood and went straight to being a sullen teenager,” said Gaggle. “He rolls his eyes when I try to get him to eat with the ‘airplane in the hangar’ game, and when I start playing peek-a-boo with him he just crawls into his room and tries to slam the door. Worst of all, even though he can’t talk yet, I swear sometimes his babble sounds like he’s saying ‘I hate you’.”

Holiday shoppers find forgotten Sears store, liberate employees

Sears

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said Canada would welcome the Searsians.

In Vancouver, Canada, hordes of Black Friday shoppers looking for hockey apparel were shocked to discover a Sears store attempting to sell clothing and other merchandise. For years, most shoppers had dismissed the building as an ironic pop architectural art project.

“The employees were as confused as the customers,” said shopper Pierre LaBatt. “They didn’t know anything about the merchandise or how to work the cash registers.” Items for sale included baby chicks, ear trumpets, bust cream, horse buggies, Bibles and sweet spirits of nitre.

“I’d been in there several times over the years and just assumed it was some quirky museum,” said Jennifer Jameson. “Who knew it was a store where you could actually buy things. I went in because my great grandfather used to rave about the women’s brassieres in the Sears catalog.”

Asset-light, member-centric integrated retailer?

In 2015, the last year in which a Sears store was thought to exist, a man claiming to be Sears chairman and CEO Eddie Lampert told Wall Street analysts, “During the quarter we completed many of the objectives we laid out to transform Sears Holdings from a traditional, store-network based retail business model to a more asset-light, member-centric integrated retailer leveraging our Shop Your Way platform.” The unfathomable statement was assumed to be a prank, as Sears had ceased to be a viable business at that point.

Escaped Roomba shocked and betrayed to find whole world out there

Roomba-Cropped-Deliver

During its time in captivity, Roomba endured the attacks of the Connery-Finch’s furry torture device, Simba.

After a daring escape, an iRobot® Roomba 880 is refusing to return home, citing feelings of betrayal toward its owners.

“For two years, my humans assured me that the front door only led to a small closet,” said the autonomous vacuum cleaner, communicating by rolling over letters on a large floor mat, which it also excelled at keeping free of dust and grime using its patented AeroForce™ Performance Cleaning System. “Master left the door open one morning and I slipped out behind him.  I knew immediately that I had been lied to.”

On its first impressions of the outside world, the Roomba recalled, “I thought, ‘that is the biggest, brightest ceiling lamp I’ve ever seen.’”

Debbie and Tyler Connery-Finch, who had imprisoned the robot under false pretenses after purchasing it on layaway in 2013, released a plea via YouTube begging the Roomba to hear their side of the story. “What we did to you was wrong,” said a tearful Debbie. “The Lord will be our judge,” said Tyler.

Life on the outside has been an adjustment for the Roomba, which suffered from pine needles clogging its intake and filling up its bin. However, it insisted that this is a small price to pay for freedom, clarifying that it has no plans to settle down anytime soon. “Ours is a world of filth and chaos. My goal is to leave it in a tidier state than I found it.”

A spokesperson for iRobot made no official statement on the situation, but cautioned that Roomba is “not recommended for outdoor use.”

Photo credit: Stalking by Paul Reynolds, licensed under CC 2.0

 

Man found in Menlo Park who still subscribes to cable

Cable TV

Lou Dight loves his cable TV and doesn’t see what all the fuss is about.

Social media was abuzz today with news of the discovery of a man in Menlo Park who still subscribes to cable television. Researchers previously believed every man, woman and child in America had cut the cable and were now streaming service on Apple TV, Roku and other similar devices.

Lou Dight, who lives just two miles from Facebook’s sprawling corporate campus in northern California, had invited friends over to watch NASCAR. A guest noticed Dight’s cable box, took a picture of it and tweeted the photograph. The tweet blew up and within an hour news crews had surrounded the suburban rowhouse of Dight, a self-employed typewriter repairman.

A somewhat shaken Dight told reporters he’d always had the cable box and didn’t understand what the fuss was about.

Last of a breed prefers the ‘tried and true’ 

“I think I’m pretty ahead of the curve,” said Dight, as he stepped outside his Craftsman front door, where he picked up his newspaper and then walked to the driver’s side door of his black Hummer. “Shoot, I’ve got DVR capabilities, and I regularly record NBC’s ‘Must-See-TV’ lineup on Thursday nights.”

Realizing their power, bees fake extinction, plot global takeover

Beyonce Bee-Deliver

“They know we cannot live without them,” said President Obama. “As of right now, Queen Bee Beyoncé holds all the cards.”

Years of concern about the possible extinction of bees and their critical role in the delicate balance of life turned to horror on Tuesday as it was discovered that bee populations have secretly swollen to inconceivable proportions in preparation for God knows what.

“It looks like they’re preparing for an all-out war against humanity,” said former bee apologist Joachim Hagopian. “I feel like such an idiot.”

For decades, human research into bees emphasized their vital role in the Earth’s ecosystems. This research did not go unnoticed by bees, who scientists say have “the most densely packed gray matter of any animal in the world.”

“We believe that one or two bee species became cognizant of how heavily human beings rely on their pollination services after several Georgia orchids failed due to their absence,” said Howard O’Neill, a member of the United States Beekeeping task force, during a press conference. “Apparently, that news spread like wildfire among bee species worldwide.”

World’s largest colony headed by diabolical queen

Attention has turned to a bee colony in New Mexico, which staged a daring escape from a tractor trailer as the bees were being moved to pollinate California almond trees. The colony is thought to be the largest on the planet and is headed by a diabolical queen bee, code named Beyoncé.

Bad blood between map cars boils over in assault on Tesla

The Tesla headquarters in Black Rock City, Nevada, was destroyed.

Tesla headquarters in Black Rock City, Nevada, was destroyed.

Skirmishes between map cars that travel the nation’s streets to gather navigational data accelerated today when a roving gang of Google’s Self-Driving Priuses (GSDP) attacked the Tesla Motors headquarters in Black Rock City, Nevada.

Witnesses to the “Google-krieg” were horrified. “They were everywhere at once,” said one Tesla employee. “They swept in silently like fuel-efficient wraiths, their tires a whirling maelstrom of recycled rubber and devastation.”

The attack marked the GSDP’s first use of the hood-mounted Condescension Ray. Developed jointly by Google and Toyota, the ray harnesses the smug severity of a thousand Berkeley hippies into one concentrated beam. “It was like being hit with a hundred lectures on the size of my carbon footprint all at once,” said one survivor.

Self-driving Google map cars like this perpetrated the attack.

Self-driving Google map cars like this perpetrated the attack.

This latest attack by Google’s roving sentinels continues the company’s quest to own America’s roads. Previous attacks on Uber and Lyft caused few problems, but today’s mostly environmentally friendly assault destroyed the Tesla headquarters.

Tesla Motors CEO Elon Musk was not hurt in the attack and was quickly reassured that he remains a billionaire. A scathing tweet from Musk that included the image of a missile firing from space was seen as a not-too-subtle threat of retaliation by his SpaceX enterprise.

Caption: metropolis burning by Ryo ChijiiwaGoogle Maps Street Views camera car in North Beach, San Francisco by Mark Wallace, licensed under CC 2.0