Humanity Death Watch

Monthly Archives: October 2015

Bay Area beats out Austin again as ‘honorary parallel universe’

San Francisco’s “Be Who You Aren’t” campaign leads to a universally colorful daily commute.

The “Be Who You Aren’t” campaign leads to a universally colorful daily commute.

In the annual competition sponsored by the Institute of Physics, the San Francisco Bay Area topped Austin for the fourth consecutive year to win the coveted “honorary parallel universe” title.

In presenting the award, theoretical physicist Brian Greene called the Bay Area’s submission “three heads and six shoulders” above entries from Austin, Portland and New Orleans. Greene praised the Bay Area’s visionary “Be Who You Aren’t” campaign for capturing the essence of the landscape multiverse, which relies on quantum fluctuations dropping Calabi-Yau shapes to a lower energy level, thus creating a pocket with a different set of laws from the surrounding space.

“The Bay Area rocked it,” said Greene. “Within 18 months, the Bay Area could turn a conservative farm girl beauty queen into a booted misandrist or a Chevron petroleum engineer into an environmental terrorist. Clearly, the Bay Area has the vibe, radical history and infrastructure to create and maintain its own universe.”

An innovative program for keeping humans as pets has helped reduce the Bay Area’s homeless population.

An innovative program for keeping humans as pets has helped reduce the Bay Area’s homeless population.

Bay Area residents are required to wear nutritious, non-GMO clothing in the event of food shortages.

Bay Area residents are required to wear nutritious, non-GMO clothing in the event of food shortages.

Austin’s mayor, who requested anonymity, admitted her city’s “Keep Austin Weird” campaign has grown tired. “At this point, we’re an economic engine like Houston or Dallas but with a slightly better soundtrack. Still, I’d like to encourage Bay Area residents who age out on weird to consider Austin as a real-world reentry point or place to recharge your batteries.”

Photo credits: How Weird 2014, How Weird 2014 and How Weird 2013 by joped, licensed under CC 2.0

Couple meets in person for first time at 30th wedding anniversary

Couple eating ice cream cone

“Cecilia had only seen my face with an airbrush effect added, so I was extra nervous,” said Markus.

Last week in Cincinnati, Ohio, loving married couple Markus and Cecilia Baker made international news when they announced they would finally meet in person for the first time, in honor of their 30th wedding anniversary. On Tuesday, the couple met at Baskin Robbins, where they shared a double dip cone of Chocolate Multiverse Crunch ice cream.

Though the couple gained notoriety for their controversial decision to meet and make physical contact, their relationship began 31 years ago like any other. Markus sent Cecilia an eHarmony message full of winking emoticons and comments about his love of the archaic television program “Full House.”

“Our courtship was like a fairy tale,” Cecilia recalled.

The couple’s Skype wedding was live-streamed to dozens of friends and family members. For the next three decades, they enjoyed a healthy marriage based on Snapchat messages and Facebook pokes, before deciding it was time to drive across town and meet one another.

Canada—land of 1,000 apologies—not violent enough for US statehood

Canadians are keeping a stiff upper lip despite being rejected by the U.S.

Unworthy? Canadians are keeping a stiff upper lip despite being rejected by the U.S. Congress.

Canada’s application to become the 53th U.S. state was resoundingly rejected by Congress today, dooming the U.S. sycophant to remain a tourist destination for Americans unable to afford a vacation to someplace interesting.

Despite the countries’ similarities and shared history, U.S. concerns about Canadians’ wacky European-style leanings toward peace, public safety and respect for the environment doomed the application, experts agree.

Canadian children, most of whom live in mud huts and eat only gruel, have horrible vision problems.

Canadian children, most of whom live in mud huts and subsist on gruel, suffer from myopia.

“If Canada is serious about statehood, it needs to stop behaving like some whiny rink rat and show us some serious dysfunction,” said U.S. Secretary of State Michael Grimm. “Take our 51st and 52nd states, Washington, D.C. and Puerto Rico. The eagerness of District of Columbia residents to shoot each other and Puerto Rico’s debt mismanagement demonstrate the entertainment value and neediness that Americans expect from their fledgling states.”