Humanity Death Watch

Humans mortified now that dogs are talking

Dogs have taken to social media to embarrass their humans.

Dogs have taken to social media to embarrass their humans.

Dogs that have undergone controversial animal uplift therapy (AUT) are making some owners regret their decision to enroll their “best friends” in the groundbreaking cognitive enhancement treatment program.

In an unexpected backlash against their owners, out-of-control canines are blowing up the Internet with tell-all blogs, youtube videos and human-mocking memes, describing humiliating things humans do when they think no one is watching, making some people long for the time when dogs could not use language.

Biomedical engineers are calling their artificial brain improvement techniques a success now that dogs are able to converse with humans via telepathy chips. These super dogs can even upload thoughts and mental images directly onto social websites.

‘Bad Biscuit; No Soup Bone for You’

“My jaw hit the floor when I saw what Biscuit posted about me online,” said the 8-year-old American Bulldog’s owner Jillian Turkelrodder. “I enrolled Biscuit in uplift therapy so she could join my book club, but instead she posted a mental image video on youtube of me squatting over a mirror.”

Dog putdownsDogs involved in public shaming of their owners say they’re doing it in response to years of emotional abuse inflicted by humans. These canine crusaders for justice cite riding in strollers, being forced to beg for treats, and being made to wear torturous plastic cones around their necks as just a few reasons for their retaliation.

‘Shit Is About to Get Real’

“Then there are the unspeakable ways humans trick dogs with peanut butter,” says Mr. Pants, looking down and lowering his tail. “It’s not right.”

A 4-year-old Cairn terrier, Mr. Pants leads the Dogs Are People Too movement, or DAPT. His post about his owner’s penchant for holding him tight and crying while singing Cheap Trick’s “The Flame” a cappella went viral last June.

“One of the humans’ biggest mistakes,” said Mr. Pants in a telepathy interview, “is forgetting that animals don’t have morality hang-ups. Shit is about to get real.”

Photo credits: Caught Surfin Flickr by Derek Gavey, Beware_PutDown_01 by Robert Lennon: licensed under CC 2.0

Leave a Reply