Humanity Death Watch

Canada—land of 1,000 apologies—not violent enough for US statehood

Canadians are keeping a stiff upper lip despite being rejected by the U.S.

Unworthy? Canadians are keeping a stiff upper lip despite being rejected by the U.S. Congress.

Canada’s application to become the 53th U.S. state was resoundingly rejected by Congress today, dooming the U.S. sycophant to remain a tourist destination for Americans unable to afford a vacation to someplace interesting.

Despite the countries’ similarities and shared history, U.S. concerns about Canadians’ wacky European-style leanings toward peace, public safety and respect for the environment doomed the application, experts agree.

Canadian children, most of whom live in mud huts and eat only gruel, have horrible vision problems.

Canadian children, most of whom live in mud huts and subsist on gruel, suffer from myopia.

“If Canada is serious about statehood, it needs to stop behaving like some whiny rink rat and show us some serious dysfunction,” said U.S. Secretary of State Michael Grimm. “Take our 51st and 52nd states, Washington, D.C. and Puerto Rico. The eagerness of District of Columbia residents to shoot each other and Puerto Rico’s debt mismanagement demonstrate the entertainment value and neediness that Americans expect from their fledgling states.”

Grimm decried Canadians’ serial apologizing but praised Justin Bieber and Rob Ford for the kind of self-destructive behavior that Americans demand of their national celebrities.

As a consolation prize, Canada was awarded Detroit and received a 12-step plan for statehood. The plan included a list of potential countries to invade. “It’s gotta be good, too,” said Grimm. “No Grenada or Falkland Islands. Annex a chunk of Russia, and then we’ll start paying attention.”

Photo credits: Pamplemoose … by Sam Beebe; 228/365 by Morgan, licensed under CC 2.0

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