Humanity Death Watch

Monthly Archives: October 2015

Coming soon: Dancing With The Stars’ Surgically Attached Heads

Paula Deen Dances Too

“If they expect me to go onstage and vogue like Madonna I’m gonna need a little help,” said an enthused Paula Deen.

Fans of the ABC reality show Dancing With The Stars who love to root for mature celebrities like Chaka Khan and Gary Busey have new hope their favorite dancing senior will still be around in show’s later rounds of competition.

On Tuesday, transplant surgeons and ABC officials announced a new transplant center at Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center in Los Angeles where the heads of mature celebrities would be connected to the bodies of young, lithe dancers with real hoofing talent.

Deen ‘head over heels’

The news went over well with Paula Deen. The former Food Network diva competed on DWTS but was ousted early in the competition. She said competing with younger stars, such as one-time Backstreet Boy Nick Carter, and teen Bindi Irwin was unfair.

“Honey, I’m a grammaw who’s been eating sticks of butter on TV for two decades,” exclaimed Deen. “If they expect me to go onstage and vogue like Madonna I’m gonna need a little help.”

The show’s host, Tom Bergeron, endorsed the idea of hooking up celeb heads to nubile bodies that come equipped with dancing ability. “The bigger the star power, the better I am at doing small talk and making wry observations about celebrities,” he said. “I don’t want to let anything out of the bag too early, but this could clear the way for Larry King to appear on the show.”

Humans mortified now that dogs are talking

Dogs have taken to social media to embarrass their humans.

Dogs have taken to social media to embarrass their humans.

Dogs that have undergone controversial animal uplift therapy (AUT) are making some owners regret their decision to enroll their “best friends” in the groundbreaking cognitive enhancement treatment program.

In an unexpected backlash against their owners, out-of-control canines are blowing up the Internet with tell-all blogs, youtube videos and human-mocking memes, describing humiliating things humans do when they think no one is watching, making some people long for the time when dogs could not use language.

Biomedical engineers are calling their artificial brain improvement techniques a success now that dogs are able to converse with humans via telepathy chips. These super dogs can even upload thoughts and mental images directly onto social websites.

‘Bad Biscuit; No Soup Bone for You’

“My jaw hit the floor when I saw what Biscuit posted about me online,” said the 8-year-old American Bulldog’s owner Jillian Turkelrodder. “I enrolled Biscuit in uplift therapy so she could join my book club, but instead she posted a mental image video on youtube of me squatting over a mirror.”

Netflix worried about new frontal lobe streaming service

Innertainment beta tester Susan Spencer enjoys an episode of "Little House on the Prairie."

Innertainment beta tester Susan Spencer experiences an episode of “Little House on the Prairie.”

Innertainment, the new media service that allows subscribers to stream content directly inside their frontal lobe, is challenging Netflix to remake itself once again.

The fledgling Silicon Valley company promotes its new technology, which requires a small surgical implant, as the “television of the future,” broadcasting movies and television shows into the minds of their users.

“Without any sort of visible device, you watch movies and television shows in an instant,” boasted Innertainment CEO Michelle Cooper, who refused to comment on rumors the device causes a rare form of violent seizure.

Netflix officials denied any concerns about Innertainment. However, Netflix’s powerful Washington lobbyists are pursuing legislation that would prohibit Innervision from streaming virtually any content.

“We welcome the competition,” said Maurice Patterson, Netflix PR representative. “We just want to restrict the content they can show as much as possible. It’s just business.”

Media reports suggest that Netflix is working on its own frontal lobe streaming service. Code-named Mindflix, the service reportedly allows users to receive visual information via radio waves, so their minds can be constantly streaming the best movies and television series at all times of day.

“We might have something once we get past the side effects of crippling madness,” said a Netflix employee, who requested anonymity.

Photo credit: Crazy Clipper by Andrew Braithwaite, licensed under CC 2.0

NFL ponders allowing teams to rotate in and out of L.A.

Former season ticket holder Merlin Van Brocklin misses the excitement the L.A. Rams brought to his life.

Former season ticket holder Merlin Van Brocklin misses the excitement the L.A. Rams brought to his life.

In an ongoing effort to return NFL football to the city of Los Angeles, league officials are pondering a system where multiple teams take turns calling L.A. their hometown.

It’s been more than 20 years since the Raiders and the Rams departed from the second-largest media market in the United States. The NFL currently pulls in just $10 billion annually, which equates to each of the 32 teams receiving a meager $226-million-revenue-sharing check to scrape by on each year.

Three teams are currently looking to blow off local fans who spend $75 for nosebleed tickets and drink $10 light beers to cheer for their helmeted gridiron stars: the Oakland Raiders, the St. Louis Rams and the San Diego Chargers. The NFL had said up to two teams might be allowed to move to L.A., and there are two separate plans to build new stadiums in Inglewood and Carson.

LaBrea floated as location for stadium

The latest idea to emerge from behind the steel-reinforced golden walls of NFL headquarters is to let teams alternate playing home games in one new stadium, possibly built in La Brea.

“Why not rotate teams in and out of L.A?,” said a source who works for the NFL and requested anonymity, fearing he might lose his caviar lunch privileges if his name became public. “That way, fans in other cities would only miss their team for a year. It’s win-win; in Los Angeles, fans are so fickle they won’t care who is playing on the field, as long as their sky box is filled with kale wraps and organic chicken kabobs.”

Oil boom man camps repurposed as man museums

Museum visitors can step back in time to a time when men played a meaningful role in society.

Museum visitors can explore an era when men played a meaningful role in society.

Sprawling man camps in the Texas, North Dakota and Pennsylvania towns where oil companies once housed thousands of workers during the shale oil boom are making a comeback as living man museums.

Recalling the days when men worked outdoors, supported their families and had functioning genitalia, the museums feature lively demonstrations in exhibits that entertain and enlighten.

“In today’s androgynous, gender-neutral world, it’s easy to forget that men were once quite different from women,” said Dirk Hatcher, director of the Carrizo Springs Man Museum in south Texas. “Today, men and women are bred and programmed for contentment and contributions to the hive mind, but men used to have a distinct, vigorous role in society.”

Visitors to the Carrizo Springs museum can watch demonstrations in Woodworking Village, Garageville and Dadland, and hear colorful lectures about meat, warfare, jerry-rigging, football, poker and “drinkin’, spittin’ and scratchin’.”

Jack Madison, part of the Carrizo Springs Man Museum’s “man in wilderness” exhibit, is able to achieve and maintain a penile erection without medication or advanced technology.

Jack Madison, part of the Carrizo Springs Man Museum’s “man unfettered” exhibit, is able to achieve and maintain a penile erection without medication or advanced nanohydraulic technology.

Men who live at the museum barracks have no genetic modifications and hold “jobs.” They hunt, fish, farm, build furniture and repair broken items. In their spare time, they “whittle” and read printed material from previous generations. The barracks have electricity but no access to the worldwide mesh. 

Content creation android to replace all viral web writers

Masters of wit and brevity, Content Creation Androids created by Google are popping up everywhere.

Masters of wit and brevity, Content Creation Androids created by Google are popping up everywhere.

The U.S. unemployment rate skyrocketed two percentage points almost overnight after Google’s new Content Creation Android hit shelves at electronic stores across the nation. The Android, known as C.C., promises to render all viral web writer jobs obsolete.

Online companies expressed their satisfaction with C.C.’s content creation algorithm, which generates clickable articles based on current trends and upcoming hashtags. Some economists expressed concern, however, that layoffs of viral content writers will flood the employment market with unskilled labor.

“What we’re seeing now in the job market is a surplus of frustrated liberal arts majors with no discernible skills,” said economist Jon Fuller. “Most are too proud or weak to take factory jobs, so they’re being evicted from their overpriced apartments and have no place to go.”

Some are taking to the streets, wearing clothes tattered by design. One former Buzzfeed editor was seen carrying a sign saying, “One simple trick to ending unemployment? When I found out … blew my mind.”

Asked about the controversy surrounding the layoffs, a Content Creation Android purchased by Cracked responded, “It’s a tragedy. But I’ve got 12 ways to solve the unemployment crisis. Number nine will shock you!”

Photo credit: Android at Google by Roman Boed, licensed under CC 2.0