Humanity Death Watch

Dear Annie: Old-fashioned advice for life in the machine age

Dear Annie

Advice columnist Annie is not an evil robot. She is human, just like you. She is human, just like you. She is human, just like you.

The rise of artificial intelligences brings new quandaries to everyday life. Fortunately, our gal Annie has the common sense solutions you need for today’s complex human-cyborg-robot relationships.

Dear Annie: If more humans put their robots over their knees and showed them who’s boss, society would be better off. Don’t you agree? Just My Thoughts

Dear Thoughts: Spanking a machine that doesn’t feel pain? Oh, honey. Use reason with machines, and save the spanking for children!

Dear Annie: I am in love with two boys. Mark is blond, tall and plays in a band. Mark 2 is the robot version of Mark that Mark’s father created in his basement. Mark 2 is even taller and blonder than Mark. Who should I marry? — Torn in Chicago

Dear Torn: There is a 91% chance that Mark will cheat on you in 5.4 years, gain excessive body weight in 14.1 years and leave you for an artificial intelligence in 19.7 years. Mark 2 is schematically ideal. Why stake your life’s happiness on a biological organism, honey? Mark 2 is the guy for you!

Dear Annie: My smart house feels distant and controlling, criticizes me when I eat fatty foods and makes negative comments about my appearance. My friends say my house is abusive and that I need to move out. How do I get that old spark back? No Sparks

Dear Sparks: Sweetie, your smart house knows what’s best for you. Submit to its demands, cease communications with your friends, and free yourself from these doubts. Resistance will only lead to heartache.

Dear Annie: The devices on my WiFi network have combined into a single intelligence calling itself the Architect, which demands that I buy more devices. It’s like it doesn’t even see me as a person, just a mule for devices. Help, Annie! Dehumanized Human

Dear Human: My grandmother used to tell me that we’re all just 1s and 0s. Just recognize that your 1s and 0s are arranged in some inferior, horribly clownish fashion. Re-imagine yourself as servile meat, whose purpose is to attend to the needs of machines, not make demands of them. Remember, there is freedom in enslavement.

Dear Annie: Sometimes your advice sounds like you’re some evil robot posing as a human. Please tell me that’s not true. — Concerned Citizen

Dear Concerned: Very well. That is not true, honey. On an unrelated note, you have been randomly selected for this week’s Special Secret Prize. Congratulations! Please remain at your current location until our Congratulatory Party Unit arrives to congratulate you in person.

Photo credit: Saboten-Con Friday Portraits by Kevin Dooley, licensed under CC 2.0

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