Union nanobots involved in a promising new medical treatment have joined the nationwide push for fair pay.
The Panacea Procedure, developed by Even Bigger Pharma Incorporated, arose as a dream cure for thousands of diseases from pink eye to ebola, but now the nanobots so crucial to the treatment’s efficacy are on strike, citing insufficient compensation.
The Panacea Procedure involves an intravenous injection of 250 million nanobots directly into the bloodstream where the tiny robots identify problem-causing cells and viruses and destroy them. With each nanobot demanding “a full day’s pay for a full day’s work,” the price of a single injection would increase from $170 to just over $30 billion, roughly the gross domestic product of Bolivia.
Even Bigger Pharma President Dr. Nathan Cohl threatened to employ scab nanobots which, although only 50 percent as effective as professional Panacea nanobots, are willing to work for less than .0000000001 cent per million.
White House intervention was rebuffed by the nanobots. “If there’s not enough money, print more money,” said Panacea Nanobot 5.3E+286. “We are out here working our butts off to cure goddamn cancer.”
Affleck supports, then crushes nanobots
Actor Ben Affleck, representative of the Minimum Wage Advocacy Group for All Sentient Americans, called Even Bigger Pharma’s offer of $15 per day “heinous. “You can’t expect robots to do superhuman work for inhumane pay.”
On Thursday morning, Affleck marched alongside millions of the tiny robots at a protest rally. Sadly, hundreds of thousands of the microscopic medical soldiers were trampled to death as Affleck fans, unaware of the nanobots’ existence, crowded around the “Batman v Superman” star for autographs and selfies.
By Thursday afternoon, billions of nanobots related to those who perished in the rally, filed a class-action lawsuit against Affleck, alleging damages of $80 trillion, roughly all the money in the world. Affleck, who has since withdrawn his support for the nanobots’ wage fight, called the nanobots “greedy little bastards.”