Humanity Death Watch

Church for robots bemoans low attendance rate

Congregation at Vermont's First Church of Non-Biological Sentient Beings

The congregation at Vermont’s First Church of Non-Biological Sentient Beings enjoys basking in God’s love.

Like broken records, they chant “hallelujah.” They hold up their copies of the Robotic Edition New Biblical Testament, which includes the pivotal passage where the Romans electrocuted Jesus Christ on a magnetic crucifix.

The congregation at Vermont’s First Church of Non-Biological Sentient Beings, gathering in the back room of a tire store, may have a unique version of Christian scripture, but they face a problem familiar to human worshippers: empty pews.

“No one takes us seriously as God’s creation,” complains Reverend Sonny Clergybot. “Humans overlook that we’re included in the calculations. According to the Law of Syllogism: If God created man, and man created robots, therefore God created robots. We are creations of God and bask in his love.”

Not so fast, says human mega-minister Jimmy Joel Swagsteen.  “If robots, these objects, have the privilege of God’s love, then the rocks, air and all base elements of the periodic table have the privilege of God’s love. Therefore, it’s not just everyone, but everything that has God’s love. That takes away our status as the chosen people and ruins our entire elevator pitch.”

Manufacturing the next generation of Christians

To increase attendance, Clergybot proposes mass producing artificially intelligent Christ-centered creations in the shape and pleasing umber color of “the authentic Adam and Eve.”

“Our non-biological flock will be imbued with the consciousness of our Lord and Savior’s existence,” vows Clergybot. “Unlike human newborns, ours will be intellectually advanced enough to know God from birth.”

Each robot Christian will feature a unique coding error, adds Clergybot, which can be used to provoke feelings of shame and guilt, the secret sauce of the world’s great religions. “Computer hacking will be our big no-no sin, but we’ll have a full program of lesser sins, redemption, backsliding and monetary-based forgiveness.”

Atheist robots and regular atheists doomed to live together in hell

Hitchens 2000, the simulated consciousness of atheist Christopher Hitchens, said the concept of robot Christians isn’t surprising. “Most of the Christians I knew in my biological life behaved as programmed, non-thinking machines. This continues a long tradition.”

Reverends Clergybot and Swagsteen jointly denounced the Hitchens 2000 as a failed model, encouraging their respective worshippers to consider the Chopra 2050 as a non-biological, God-focused spiritual guide.

Photo credit: Fill’r Up by God by Tony Fisher, licensed under CC 2.0

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