Savvy snack food executives closed the deal of the century today, with Frito-Lay purchasing all major North American media outlets for $475 billion.
Tom Greco, the Frito-Lay CEO who staged a coup at PepsiCo in 2015 and renamed the company for his snack food division, will assume control of NBC Universal, Tribune Media, CBS Corporation, Humanity Death Watch and 14 other media companies. A massive Doritos fiesta of journalists and snack food enthusiasts summoned to the company’s Dallas headquarters heard details of the deal.
“Nothing you read in the news or see on TV will change because of this,” Greco assured. “There will be a continued emphasis on honesty and credibility, as well as ‘crunchability’.”
Crunchability, the visionary businessman explained, is a story’s ability to appeal to consumers who crave news that directly affects their lives, such as updates about delicious new snack food offerings. Greco cited the recent unveilings of Chili Cheese Ruffles and intravenous Doritos dust injections as news events with high crunchability.
Media representatives expressed unreserved enthusiasm for the buyout, calling it a “logical next step” for their companies.
“Here we have a unique opportunity to return to the roots of journalism, by completely eliminating advertisements in news media and instead seamlessly weaving into news coverage the snack food information that the public is literally hungry for,” Greco said.
This story’s Crunchability Rating: 8 CHEETOS Puffs out of 10!